I got dirt inside of me, but I was made to be royal.

Tonight I was telling my little that basically I was the little girl in 13 Going On 30. I wanted to be “thirty, flirty, and thriving.” I was complaining that I was ready for my struggling 20’s to be over. I was kidding, mostly. Funny, how there is always a little bit of truth behind every “just kidding.” That was definitely true today and there was some pain behind those jokes of mine. The conversation got heavy when I told her that my prayers were sad and pathetic lately. What I meant to say is selfish. My prayers were self-centered lately. She responded with this little beautiful piece of wisdom: “search deep down inside yourself and you’ll find the good prayers there.” Boy Howdy did I need to hear that. Those words spoke right to my heart and grabbed hold.

I heard once and it stuck with me: “If God answered all of your prayers, would the world look different or just your life?” Lord, I’ve been getting it wrong lately and I’ve been so consumed with my own life. Thank you for the reminder to pay attention to everything around me today. Thank you for the reminder that the world is much bigger than just little ol’ me.

Lord, a few weeks ago I heard Crowder’s new song and I have been singing it in my head ever since. The words in the song immediately gave me chills. They sunk right in deep and stayed there. It has become my daily prayer.

So here is my prayer today. I wanna go back to the Garden. Lord, I pray that I long for your presence. I pray that I walk with you more. I pray that I keep going down to the river. I pray that I am set free from my sin. I pray that I talk with you more. I pray that I worship you more. I pray that I give you all that I am. I pray that I stop that stinkin thinkin. I pray that I stop making the same mistakes. I pray that I go deeper in my relationship with you. Lord, we let sin tear us away from the Garden and our walk with you, but I pray that we go back to the Garden. I pray that I keep running back to you. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for loving me much more than I deserve. I pray you keep workin on my heart and changin my thinkin. Lord, today I’m praying for your eternity plan. I pray that your will be done. I pray that we all start looking around us and see more than the five feet in front of us that we’re used to seeing every day. I pray that we are reaching out our arms to those around us. I pray that we are going where you lead us. I pray that we stop seeing it at us versus them and them versus us. I pray that we start fighting the real war. I pray that we come back to you and come back to the Garden. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

There’s gonna be a great rejoicing.

I woke up this morning with a need to talk to You, Lord. I saw this interview with Stephen Fry a couple of days ago and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. He was asked what would he say to You. His response: “I’ll say, bone cancer in children, what’s that about? How dare you? How dare you create a world in which there is such misery that is not our fault? It’s not right, it’s utterly, utterly evil. Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid God who creates a world that is so full of injustice and pain. That’s what I would say.” I’ve heard the interview before but didn’t know what to say or think or do. Seeing the interview reposted a few days ago, I watched it again. I could see the hurt and pain and anger behind Mr. Fry’s words, but all I could think is what I heard in that movie I watched yesterday, In-Lawfully Yours. The pastor in the movie kept saying you can’t be angry with someone you don’t believe in.

This time, I would like to address his remarks. First off, that world he said You created Lord, where there is misery that is not our fault. You didn’t create a world with injustice and pain. You didn’t created a world filled with sin. You didn’t create us with malice. You created the Garden of Eden. You created perfection. You created beauty and life. You also gave us free will and asked us not to eat from one singular tree. But we chose that tree. We keep choosing that tree. We had the option of staying in the Garden of Eden or that tree and we pick that tree every single time. We’re all prodigal children walking away from You because we think we know better or can find better.

Now, about cancer. I don’t know why kids get cancer or anyone gets cancer for that matter. But I do know, You, God are still good. Lord, You have a purpose. You have a plan. I have a narrow and focused view of the world. I can only see what is right in front of me. But, Lord, You have an eternity plan. You are all-seeing. When I look, I can certainly see that cancer is bad, but that doesn’t mean You are. When I look, I can certainly see that pain and death is bad, but that doesn’t mean You are. When I look, I can certainly ask why my friend had to die so young or why my grandma had to suffer, but that doesn’t mean You are bad. You have this glorious plan that covers all time and all things. There is a reason, though sometimes I can’t see it or understand it. Nicole Reed said: “Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” Maybe You were protecting us from something else or teaching us something or maybe one thing had to happen so that something else would like a domino effect. I can’t begin to understand Your plan. Your ways are not my ways. My brain can’t begin to wrap around what You see. There was a teacher in Tennessee that had cancer and was sitting at home when the entire school and faculty showed up in his driveway to praise You with him. When I look, I can certainly see Your hand in everything around me. When I look, I can certainly see Your goodness.

“Questions of this world, someday will be known.”

In bible study last week, we finished Stronger by Angela Thomas-Pharr. We watched the last video, God Is Stronger Than Every Broken Thing In Me. In the video, she tells a story about her 8 year old son running a 5k. At the end of the race, she was waiting at the finish line cheering: “bring it on home, baby, bring it on home.” So, he runs back to her crying and saying: “Mama, it was so hard.” She responded with: “but, baby, you did it!” Then he said: “that last part was all uphill.” She said that’s how she saw Heaven when our time is done. She saw Angels cheering: “bring it on home” and You, God waiting with open arms saying: “baby girl, you’re home.” Lord, sometimes our journey is all uphill battle, but You are teaching me to press on, every single day.

 

So, here is my prayer today. I pray for Mr. Fry. I pray that you heal his hurt. I pray that you open his eyes and soften his heart. I pray that you keep knocking on his heart, Lord. I pray that you don’t give up on him. Lord, he believes in you, he just doesn’t understand you. Lord, I pray that you help him see your goodness. God, I may not be able to understand your plan, but thank you for it. Thank you for the good stuff that I forget to appreciate and to thank you for. Thank you for the lessons from the bad stuff. Thank you for the assignments and work. Thank you for your ways. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your benevolence. Thank you open arms. Thank you for Heaven. Thank you allowing me to run my race with endurance and passion. Thank you for teaching me to press on. Thank you for the grand reunion. Thank you for the great rejoicing. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for showing me your goodness. Thank you for showing me your love. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I got somethin’ make the devil gonna run.

I still sleep with a teddy bear. I still call my mama when something goes right or wrong. I still call my daddy when I need something. When I’m scared, I still pray. When I was growing up, my mama taught me to pray when the nightmares won’t let you sleep. She told to pray out loud and tell the devil that I am a child of Yours and tell him he isn’t welcome here. When it’s the imaginary monsters under your bed and you have a brand new faith that is bigger than the monsters, it’s easy. When the imaginary monsters become real, that’s when my faith gets tested. But the villain is still the same. And You, my God, are still bigger.

There is a quote that says: “Fill your mind with God’s word and you will have no room for satan’s lies.” I’ve been listening to the lies for far too long. All the guilt and shame and darkness and fears sound so stupid out loud. I’ve held it in for so long that I let it consume me until I could hardly breathe. I was giving my sins control over me. It felt so big when I was holding it in and the more I held onto it the more power I gave it and the bigger it got, the more it consumed me. I heard once that: “What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.” I was doing all of those things. I was worshiping my sin. I saw this picture on Pinterest and the truth is: “where sins run deep, His love runs deeper.”

Beth Moore, at the Living Proof Conference, said: “wisdom is a whirl with wonder.” She said that: “when we play the fool, we always lose.” She said: “wisdom gets us out of the house before it destroys us.” The next day she said: “wisdom knows folly can kill you.” I can hear Beth Moore telling me to get me some wisdom right now. Frank Ocean said: “whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.” I have a problem running back to things I put down at Your feet, Lord.

For a girl who craves control, I sure was giving it away. The wanting for control started long before even me. Genesis 3:16 says: Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” We were studying creation in Sunday School and I’ve heard the verse a hundred times, but never that version apparently. That word control grabbed hold of my attention and I’ve been thinking about it since. I may not have a husband yet, but I sure was giving my control away. To the wrong person. Matt Chandler said: “God has seen our unloveliness-the deep brokenness and rebellion in our hearts-and instead of withdrawing, He pursues us until the very end.”

“What God is bringing you through at this very moment is going to be the testimony that will bring somebody else though. No mess, no message.” “You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.”

So, that is my prayer today. Father, help me to give my control to you. Help me to lay aside what I’ve been carrying. I pray that I watch my thoughts. I pray that I protect my attitude. I pray that I guard my heart. I pray that I clean up my “stinking thinking.” I pray that I stop letting what I feel guide me. I pray that I have a more intentional imagination. I pray that I stop listening to the lies. I pray that stop running back to what broke me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for letting your love go deeper than my sins. I pray that I become the woman my mama taught me to be when I was a little girl. I pray that instead of hiding my mess, I use it for your glory. I pray that I pursue you. I pray that I am intentional in my walk with you. I pray that I seek you above all else. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.