I give it all to You.

I started reading For the Love by Jen Hatmaker. She examined her balance beam and all she was trying to balance. She made a detailed list of everything she was doing and analyzed it. I thought that was a brilliant idea. So here is my beam.

  1. Classes. This will be off the beam in three short months as I head for graduation but learning, most definitely will continue to stay on the beam.
  2. Work is on the beam. I need to remember that listening to gossip is just as bad as saying it though and take that right back off the beam. I was doing so well too, but lately it seems to be trying to get back on my beam. No. It’s not healthy for me and it drains me.
  3. Applying for jobs for after graduation. Totes on the beam. Hopefully in three months this will be off the beam too!
  4. Striving for perfection. Off the beam. I work really hard and if given a task I will complete it. Somewhere along the way I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t good enough at one specific thing and that meant I had no strengths. I may not have “one” certain thing, but I am fabulous at a lot of things and I work really hard. I’m letting myself off the hook for this one. I had a manager complement me one time by saying that when I don’t know the answer to something I’m really good at getting the information I need to help that person. I am not perfect by any stretch of the word but I am relentless and I will do whatever I can to help.
  5. Weekly lunches with my person. Definitely on the beam. Sometimes we literally have so much to say that we can’t hardly talk fast enough. Sometimes we have no words and just sit and enjoy the silence. There is something amazing about having a friendship that solid and I cherish it.
  6. Cooking dinner. On. Cleaning the dishes. On. It gives me peace. I like doing it. I should do more of it. Listening to people complain as I learn to cook. Off the beam, for good. It is unnecessary.
  7. Spending time with my littles. On the beam. Anytime they need anything, I’m there, somehow, someway. Always.
  8. Reading and praying is making a return to my beam. The last month (or two) I’ve let it slip.
  9. Alpha Gamma Delta. As an alum this part of balancing takes up a lot less space, but it is certainly not off of my beam. I just donate my time and energy in different ways as an Alum. I don’t want this one ever off my beam completely. I want to be an advisor one day and I hope to contribute to my chapter and my organization for the rest of my life.
  10. Control. Off. Most absolutely and utterly off. That was never mine to place on the beam in the first place. I’m all about taking off unnecessary burdens so why did I even try to put this on my beam in the first place? I’m gonna put freedom on my beam instead, because You always meant for that to take it’s place.

So, that is my prayer today. I pray that I learn to examine my beam from time to time. I pray that I take advantage of the freedom you have given me and let go of the control that I never had to begin with. You have always had control, I just tried to take it on my own and I cannot do it alone and I do not have to. You have my heart. You have my love. You have my time and energy. You are my balance beam. I pray that every part of my balance beam is an extension of your love. I give you my beam. I pray that I hold onto you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Only Your love can fill up my cup.

The closest thing I’ve got to a love story is: girl meets boy, girl runs. Every time I meet someone, I immediately start praying. And it usually goes a little something like this: “Lord, if this isn’t Your will, then slam the door. Loudly and quickly. Make it obvious and apparent that this is not a part of Your plan.” Sometimes, I can be a little hardheaded and sometimes, I can get easily confused which is why I pray this prayer. Usually it’s my first thought after meeting someone or as soon as I start to have feelings for them. This is why I’ve never actually had a real relationship that lasted more than like two weeks. Of all the times I’ve said this prayer, only like twice did I not listen when You tried to shut the door and I realized why You shut the door before things even started. I got hurt, but I knew better. There were clear signs that I should have listened to. I made a choice not to listen and learned from it, but I know that too was a part of Your plan because nothing happens without Your prior planning.

Honestly, I pray this partly out of fear because I don’t wanna get hurt. I don’t wanna get attached if it’s not a part of Your plan. The other part, that I hope is much bigger, is that I want to go where You lead. I want to follow the path You set before me. I want to trust You, completely, where-ever that leads me.

With graduation coming up, I’m filling out applications and sending out my resume. As I am sending emails, I find myself making that same prayer: “Lord, if this isn’t Your will, then slam the door. Loudly and quickly. Make it obvious and apparent that this is not a part of Your plan.” Well, that means the appropriately titled “rejection letters” folder on my email is filling up.

Today, I was reading FerVent and Priscilla Shirer wrote chapter 6 on fear. In the chapter she talks about the different ways that Satan tells us lies and one of them is: “not qualified enough for that job?” Which is exactly what my fear is about lately. I’ve spent my entire life preparing for this college graduation and gaining all the knowledge and experience that I can so that I am prepared for whatever lies next. But, those rejection letters keep telling me I don’t have enough experience. So, I keep praying that prayer, knowing that just means I wasn’t meant for that path. I know that there is a job out there that You created me for. One that You’ve been preparing me for. One that You created me to do. In the book, Priscilla wrote that Satan is full of excuses and trying to fill me up with fear. That got me thinking. I’m gonna change my prayer up a little.

I’m gonna change my viewpoint and perspective. Instead of letting fear control me, I’m going to let my faith lead me.

I confess, my weakness
Til You pick up the parts that are broken
Pour out Your perfection on me now

So, this is my prayer today. I pray that you lead me to the right door, instead of closing the wrong ones. I pray that you show me where you want me to go. I pray that I am open and willing to serve you. I pray that I listen when you speak. I pray that you empty me of me. I pray that you fill up my cup. I pray that you fill my hollowness. I pray that you wrap me in love. I pray that you hold me. I pray that you lead me. I pray that I follow. I pray that I am able to receive your guidance. I pray that my eyes and heart are open. I pray that I’m listening. I pray that I’m ready for the journey. I pray that you keep teaching me. I pray that you keep preparing me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.