And I wanna feel, unravel me.

Lord have mercy. This song got me all the way messed up.

Fun Fact, ya already knew God, I am trying to get off the anxiety meds, because they are a temporary solution, not a life long one. They did their thing. They helped, but now I am in a really good place in my life so I talked with the Dr. I get so overwhelmed by anxiety sometimes that I cannot even see clearly enough to function. Then when the anxiety is too much, it turns to depression. These voices in my head screaming lies at me, get louder and louder until I cannot think. Sometimes I literally wanna shake them suckers out. Like talk about lookin like a crazy girl. That’s why I use the Gospel music as a way to cope. The music quiets the lies. Filling my head with scripture and truth and the Gospel, drowns out the lies and silences the noise. That’s how I keep myself present and pull myself back out. If I can just focus on the words, the rest will stop. It’s like inviting You into my head to calm the storm and quiet the chaos.

I fill the house with scripture. I cover every door and every wall and every nook and cranny in between. I want to make sure I am focused on the right things and reacting in the right ways. I want to invite You into every moment of my life. In every thought. In every argument. In every choice. This might make me look like a Jesus freak, but I was called to look like Jesus, not like the world.

So, here is my prayer today. Lord, help me invite you into my life, in the daily moments, in my budget, in my schedule, in my home, in my office, in my phone calls, in my thoughts, in my speech, in my actions and reactions, in my everything. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I don’t wanna survive anymore. And I wanna feel, unravel me. Abba, unravel me. Fill me up with your love. Fill me up with your scripture. Fill me up with your plans. Empty me of me. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Lord, you are so so good to me. Open my eyes to all the joy around me. Lord, light up the world so others can see the joy too. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

We are waiting on the promise.

I am in survival mode. At least that’s what the lovely folks in authority keep telling me.

As much as I appreciate all the help and support these folks offer, because it truly does take a village, and I wouldn’t be able to do any of this on my own. They are wrong. They are just getting to know us and they don’t know what we’ve been through and how far we’ve come. I refuse to let it go down like this. No matter how many times, the kid pushes me away and tells me I ain’t her mama or anybody’s mama. I AM a therapeutic foster care mama, hear me roar.

And I serve a mighty God. A mountain moving. Dead man walking. Healing. Powerful. Redemptive. Holy. Calm the storms. Quiet the noise. Speak life. Fiercely loving and gentle and patient kinda God. You, God, are not out of miracles.

John 10:10 says: The thief only comes to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. My God, You did not send Your son to die on the cross so that we can merely survive. You came to give us life. You came so we could thrive. You did not give up on me and I am not giving up on her. You are not done here. There is more to this story.

This is the whole point to Christmas. There is light in the darkest of places. The baby born in the manger is the King of Kings. You came to give life. You came to save us. You came to restore us. You came to redeem us. You came to lay down Your life for us. You came so we would have the freedom to make better choices. You came so we could chose to have a relationship with You.

Yes, I cannot save anybody. I’ve been told on more than one occasion. Yes, she has to make the choices for herself. But I know she wants more than this. I know she wants better. She is such a smart, loving, giving, strong kid. Yes, she makes bad choices and chooses some terrible coping skills sometimes. But that is certaintly not all that she is. We all make mistakes. We all fall short. She is not defined by her mistakes, anymore than I am. You define us. You did not leave Heaven and come down to earth to die for us, just to let us suffer for no reason. You are so much better than that. You are a good God. You came to give us life.

So, here is my prayer. I pray for this kid. I pray that she sees her worth in you. I pray that you hold her even when I can’t. I pray that you give her space to come to you. I pray that I give her space to heal. I pray that you knock on her door. I pray you show up and show out. Lord, show her your grace and forgiveness and power and righteous glory. Show her your miracles. I pray she lets out her anger in a way that does not harm herself or others. I pray she uses those healthy coping skills I’ve been teaching all year. Lord, these are the hard moments, we’ve been preparing her for all year. This is when all the teaching was for. No, it’s not fair, but we were never promised fair. We were promised so much better than just fair. We were promised you would not leave us when things get tough. We were promised light in the darkness. We were promised rainbows after the rain. Lord, I know we will come out of this stronger. I know you will be with us through the storm. And God, I know you are here. I know you are good. I know there is hope. And I know my baby girl is loved by you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protections for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Open the grave, I’m coming out, I’m gonna live.

Holidays are hard when you are an angry little girl full of disappointment and hurt. Holidays are hard when you are grieving. Holidays are hard when you struggle to pay the bills already, much less anything extra. Holidays are hard when seasonal depression sinks in. Holidays are hard when regular old everyday depression moves in and stays there. Holidays are hard when anxiety asks a bunch of questions, you can’t answer and tells you a bunch of lies, you can’t quiet. But it’s not just the Holidays that are hard. COVID is hard. 2020 is hard. Life is hard.

We aren’t guaranteed an easy life, in fact, we are guaranteed the opposite. We are guaranteed trials and temptations and tribulations and yes, even suffering. People will most definitely let you down. And I will most certainly hurt someone. I will react poorly. I will respond shortly. My temper will rise. We are guaranteed loss. With all the darkness threatening to overtake us, it’s easy to focus on the disappointments, the shame, the guilt, the heartache.

But it doesn’t have to end that way, that is not the end of the story. Just ask the stone that rolled away.

Saturday was silent. Surely it was through. But since when has impossible ever stopped You?
Friday’s disappointment is Sunday’s empty tomb.

I played this song for my kid and told her that You had not run outta miracles. I told her You loved her and You were not through with her yet. I told her she was still alive.

The Holidays offer so much joy and sooooo much room for giving. The Holidays literally show off all the light the world can muster up. You are the light of the world. There is soo much goodness all around us. We are so incredibly blessed, yes, even when things are disappointing and utterly dark, there is always light. All it takes, is remembering to turn the light on. Just a flip of the switch.

So, today, this is my prayer. I am praying for my sour patch kid, my sweet then sour kid, my sweet tender giving, angry child. My God is able to save. And deliver and heal. And restore anything He wants to. My God makes dead men walk again. I am living proof. Lord, you redeem what is broken. Help her to see the light. Help her to see all the good around her. Help her to let out that anger. You can handle our anger. You can take it. You are the ultimate safe place. I know this story isn’t over. I know you have a whole lot more in store for this kid. As much as I love her, you love her more. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.