I started this blog, because my heart was asking one simply complicated question: Why? I knew You had the answer. I mean You are the creator of the universe. Sustainer of life. King of Heaven and earth. You designed all of this. You are the master of time and space. I mean that’s what they taught me in Sunday School so it must be true right?
Until I started asking that question, my faith was based solely on what others had told me about You. Until I started asking that question, I did not know who You were.
I had heard all the stories, memorized lots and lots of verses. I even felt Your presence, Your calling, Your guiding. But I still did not know Your character.
I was too busy looking at my own life, at who I was and wanted to be. It wasn’t until I was staring at what I lost that I stopped looking at me. Then I became consumed with why’s.
So, I did what any good Christian girl is supposed to do, I went to church. I thought I was going to a building, but what I found was a group of ladies that impacted my life, probably more than they will ever know. They taught me how to be the church.
It’s more than those weekly community service hours. It’s more than one of those famous church casseroles. It’s more than worship for an hour on Sunday. It’s more than listening to KLove on the way home from work. It’s more than memorizing verses.
Those are all good things, and I did all of those things even before I knew Your character. It’s not about what I am doing, it’s all goes back to that why question. Why am I doing these things? Why are You not snapping Your finger and fixing this?
We have this desire to know You, deep inside of us, even if we don’t admit it. But when things went haywire, it wasn’t a want to know anymore, it was a need. I needed The Father. I needed Abba.
I think I met you in parts, in order to know You fully. As as kid, I met Jesus, Your Son, the Savior. Then in second grade, I invited the Holy Spirit to come live in me and I got to know that side of You. Somehow the same year I was being sexually abused, is the same year that I called out to You and invited You into my heart. That is not a coincidence. You were there with me, holding me. Then in college, I met The Father, while I grieved. And again, You held me.
Now, I’m walking with You and talking with You. And You’re still holding me, You always have been. I have this personal relationship with You. You have been teaching me things and building upon those lessons, my whole life. It’s like a never ending game of Tetris. You put Your messages into my heart and I apply them to my life. Block by block, line by line. The way You designed things and connected things, literally leaves me in awe sometimes.
In Bible study on Tuesday, we learned how You connected our pain, our sin to Your promises. Then Wednesday, we read in Ezekiel how You breathed life into dry bones. As I was reading about how You commanded the wind, I remembered these lyrics: “If the wind goes where You send it, so will I.”
Today, during lunch, I watched an episode of 911, because they are about to expire off Hulu on Monday so I was trying to catch up. It was the flashback episode to why one of the firefighters became a firefighter. And what does his story deal with? Grief. At the end of the episode, this other firefighter is talking and tells him to: “hand it off.” It started as a chore hand it off. Then he explains how to take care of others, we also have to take care of ourselves, and how sometimes we have to hand things off to someone else. He told him to let go of his ego. He gave this super great speech, then said: “go give care.”
It’s my job to hand it off to You and go give care. That is how I become the church.
So, that is my prayer today. Thank you for reminding me to hand it off to you. You, my almighty father, can handle whatever it is. You can carry my weight, my pain, my sickness, my burdens, my sin, my grief, my abuse, my guilt, my shame, my weakness, all of it. You already carried it on the cross. Lord, forgive me for keeping my hands on it, and letting my ego get in the way and trying to control it all myself. Your ways are higher and I know who you are. I trust you, father. Thank you for showing me your heart. Thank you for letting me see deeper than the surface. “And as You speak, A hundred billion failures disappear, Where You lost Your life so I could find it here. If You left the grave behind You so will I. I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done, Every part designed in a work of art called love. If You gladly chose surrender so will I. I can see Your heart, Eight billion different ways. Every precious one, A child You died to save. If You gave Your life to love them so will I.” Father, that is why I want to be a foster parent, to lay down my life for you, to hand it off to you and go give care. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.