Blameless. I used to hate that word. Because I couldn’t even fathom how You could make me blameless. I carried so much guilt and shame that it created this backwards sense of false humility. I couldn’t possibly be blameless. I couldn’t even say the word.
This week I was craving some time with You, Lord. I was feeling pretty unlovable this week, but knowing it was a lie. So, I started reading: You’re Loved No Matter What by Holley Gerth. I needed someone to speak some serious truth and life into my pretty little stubborn, lie-believing head. And boy, did I get it.
The section on switching from the guilt cycle to the grace cycle, hit me right on the head. Control is not safety and love is not earned. And that’s the truth. I can hear You whispering straight to my heart: my dear child, you are safe and you are loved. Father, sometimes, I try so hard to feel safe and earn love through obedience and service that I lose all track of You and the whole point of obedience and service.
I run from relationships, from intimacy, from love, from security, from peace. The very things I crave. Because of shame and guilt. Because of that pesky blameless word.
That word blameless does not mean that I get off scott free, without consequences. In fact, I was taught as a child that as a Christian, I will be held to a higher standard. I will not be able to get away things like it appears others will. The book I’m reading reiterated that message with the word: conviction. The book re-taught me that childhood lesson. Conviction is a call to stop the negative behavior, it is not guilt and shame. Conviction is a pull on the heart to stop seeking the dark and stop running. Because of conviction, I can do a heart check and ask for forgiveness. I can hear that still, small voice. I can seek the light. I can seek light. and love. Because I am forgiven and free. I am holy and righteous. I am worthy. I am blameless. I am loved. I am Your child. My name is written in the book. I am Yours.
As I read the end of the chapter, the last section is called: Stop Apologizing for Who You Are. I literally wrote in my book: say it again for the girl in the back. Then I realized I was the girl in the back, trying to minimize my successes, trying to downplay my gifts, and trying to skim over my strengths with, “Oh, that was nothing.” I thought the smaller I make myself, the less I could get hurt. Which in reality, hurt me and those around me that I was hiding from. But really, I was only making You smaller, Lord, by minimizing what You’ve given me. I should be shoutin from the mountain tops that I am Yours.
So, here is my prayer today. I pray that I let those around me carry my heart to you even when I can’t. I pray that I help carry the hearts of those around me to you too. I pray that I spend my whole life carrying my future husband’s heart to you even if I haven’t met him yet. I pray I show appreciation and gratitude for the love I am given. I pray that I remember that John 3:16 verse that I’ve been repeating since the 90’s. I pray that I remember I am so loved. I pray that I start walking like I’m loved, talking like I’m loved, leading like I’m loved, breathing like I’m loved. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.