The anxious thoughts were in full swing this weekend. I was moving into a new place and all the usual new place irrational fears sank in. I mean, I literally cried in the middle of the Walmart. The Walmart! I was just grabbing a few groceries with my parents and then I said I wanted some frosted flakes and bananas for breakfast. When we got to the cereal aisle I turned to my mama and said if you looked at my buggy you would think I missed Grandma real bad because I got all her favorites. That right there is where I started tearing up. So, I did what any rational person would do. (Even though I’m about as far from rational as it gets!) Grabbed my frosted flakes and got out of that aisle. I mean, I was in Walmart. I can’t just be crying in the cereal aisle.
Then later, I was hanging stuff on the wall and as usual I hung stuff all over the walls because I like my walls to be filled with things that make me happy. I remembered this conversation with Christoper about wall collages and how he said he was too OCD for all that and he would have to measure everything and make sure it was lined all perfect. I made the joke to mama that he would be having a cow if he saw my walls.
“I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve into us different, often kinder creatures.” My Grandma was a great loss and Christopher was a great loss. I’ve seen how it affected those around me. I’ve seen the people that loved them change. I know I’ve changed too. We know how much that loss hurts. So, we love a little more. To be honest, for a while, I resented this. I didn’t understand why I had to lose so much to learn something. I think I learned that life isn’t always about me though and Your plan is much bigger than my own.
Just when I thought my emotions were pulling it together, this morning at church, they sang Come To The Water. I sooo needed those words today.
Lord, it amazes me sometimes how much I need You. I get so busy in my daily routine and my own selfish mess that I get distracted. There is this quote that says: “He is faithful when I am not. He is constant when I am not. He is everything when I am nothing. Yet He says that I am His.”
So, that is my prayer today. I pray for my wonderful family who sacrifice so much for me to have everything. I pray for those around me. I pray for loss and healing. I pray that I keep coming to the water. I pray that I keep running to you. Thank you for making me yours. Thank you for wrapping your love around me. Thank you for filling my life with your love. Lord, I need you. Thank you for showing me your love everywhere I go. Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for wanting me. Thank you for using me. Thank you for being faithful. Thank you for being everything. I tried to let all the doubt and fear and stress win this weekend. I tried to let all the anxiety win this weekend and then I felt the loss again. Thank you for winning instead. Thank you for showing me that while the pain does not ever fully leave, it does change us. Thank you for changing me. Thank you for teaching me, especially when I resisted it. Thank you for not giving up on me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.