I live under constant pressure. Some of it, refining my rough places and making smooth. Some of it, is just flat out unnecessary. Some of it, others put on me. Some of it, put on me because I’m the oldest sibling and first born. Some of it, because I have chosen to take leadership positions my whole life. Some of it, put on me because I chose to follow You and I am trying to point towards You and that comes with the responsibility of people hoping to see if I handle life pointing towards you. Some of it, put on because I chose to follow You so others are rooting for me to fail so they can say You failed. Some of it, is old teaching and habits. Some of it, comes from trauma, coping mechanisms, and anxiety. Some of it, I lived with so long, I would miss it if it were gone. Most of the pressure though, I put on all by myself.
I get caught thinking, I’ve messed up Your plan somehow. As if I am powerful enough to mess up the Almighty’s plan. As if I am smart enough to outsmart You. As if I am capable of such a force. I am not You. I cannot be You to my people. And I cannot mess up Your plan for them or for me. You are still at work in their lives, even when I cannot see. You are still at work in my life, even when I’m throwing pity parties and when I’ve gotten too big for my britches. When my pride swings so hard in the opposite direction that I’ve made too big of my little ole mess.
So, this is my prayer today. I pray that I take your truth, line by line, and replace my stinkin thinkin with your truth. Lord, help me to see the difference between something you want me to work on and something I just need to trust you with. Help me see the difference between what is in my control and what I need to leave in your hands. Help me to love like you without trying to be a savior for my people, because I will never be able to do that and I don’t need to because you already did the heavy lifting. You already saved us. You already laid down your life for us. You already moved the mountains. You already won the war. You already gave the ultimate sacrifice. And you did it with more grace and dignity and love for my people that I would ever be capable. Thank you for saving my people. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving my people. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving me too much to leave me stuck in my stinkin thinkin. Thank you for carrying my weight. Lord I pray that I spend more time reading those words written in red and less time worrying about things in my own head that aren’t true. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.