I am a rare kind of wonder, created just right.

This morning, as I was getting outta the shower, I was like ya know I haven’t listened to ZOEgirl in a long time. So, I pulled up my iTunes and played that Life CD from way back in 2001. I was listening to this song and remembered reading in my Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt book. On Sunday, I started the section on loving well. I was coming to the end of the section with chapter 7 which talked about loving yourself.

I’m gonna be real transparent here, my self worth goes up and down like a never endin Ferris wheel, round and round it goes. Some days, I think I’m the bee’s knees. Other times, the image in my head of myself ain’t so nice. And don’t even get me started on my feelings of inadequacy as a foster mom. Because that little voice in my head tells me daily I ain’t a real mom.

I realized in high school, if I wanted others to see me differently, I needed to see me differently. So, I changed the way I talk to myself. I started speaking life into my own head, which in turn, helped me speak more life into lives around me. Because I can’t love others if I don’t love myself, and if I don’t love others I can’t love You, God. Sometimes, I overcompensate trying to love myself because I’m trying to re-train my brain. So, I ran around in high school talking about how my hair was luscious instead of frizzy and things like that. I turned my negatives into positives.

And then sometimes, my church folks come into the room saying hey mama or giving me some kind of compliment right where I have a feeling of inadequacy. Those are moments straight from You. Because how could they have known I feel deficient or less than in that area? I try real hard not to find my identity in anything other than You. But as a mom, it’s hard not to feel like a failure when the kid is acting out. That’s why submission is so important. Because if I surrender my life to You, You define me, not my actions or feelings. My actions and feelings practically dance they waver so much, but You are steady and strong.

I was listening to Vous Church and the pastor said the flesh part of him wanted to title the message: “submission sucks,” but further into studying he called it: “submission saves” and talked about The Mission of Submission. Because I willingly give my life to You. Like Paul I am a willing bond-servant. Philippians 4:12-13 says: I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Because of what I’ve been through, I know submission saves. I know that without You, I am nothing. And I know with You, I have everything I need.

So, here is my prayer today. My identity is found in You. Lord, thank you for creating me and defining me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for sacrificing everything for me. Thank you for carrying the cross for me. Thank you for allowing me to come to you in my messy state. Thank you for loving me too much to leave me that way. Thank you for giving me the opportunity and freedom to chose to serve you. Thank you for giving me strength. Thank you for saving me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Even when my lost heart was unlovable, You spread Your arms out.

“Love completely now, because you’re not promised another day.” That’s what my Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt book told me to do. That promised word gets me. Because people make promises they can’t keep all the time, especially in movies! As soon as a person makes a promise in the movies, that’s my red flag. That person is about to die and that promise is gonna wreck somebody. Drives me nuts! We watched Saving Mr. Banks and I knew it was gonna happen as soon as that dad made a promise. I started fussing at my friend, who picked the movie, that she knew this was gonna make me cry!

With foster care, I know all too well, that I am not promised another day. Those kids could be moved with two weeks notice or less than 24 hours, it all depends on the social worker and the kid’s case.

Orrrr my agency could close their foster parent training program and upend my routine. This means my kid’s counselor changes. This means my case worker is changing. This is the lady I invite in my home every single week. She’s been a part of our daily lives for over a year now. She is my village.

Nothing is guaranteed except change. Change is inevitable. I can either chose to grow through it or revert back to old patterns. Lord, help me to grow through change. School has so many last minute changes right now, my head is spinning to keep up. I don’t know how these kids are gonna learn anything with all this nonsense, but I know these teachers are working their tails off trying to help figure everything out.

I am not promised forever with those I love. I am not promised easy fixes. I am not promised quick responses. I am not promised grateful attitudes or helpful hands around me. I am not promised a safe route. I am not promised a life without trouble. I am not promised a life without persecution. I am not promised a fair life. In fact, I am promised the opposite of all those things.

I am also guaranteed eternity with You, God. I am guaranteed that You will be there with me in the middle of my messes. I am guaranteed that You always hear my prayers. I am guaranteed that the Holy Spirit lives in me and while I can’t change others, I can change. I am guaranteed a light along the path. I am guaranteed a way out of trouble. I am guaranteed to be loved by You. I am guaranteed to be Your adopted child. I am promised a relationship with You because of the cross. I am promised forgiveness. I am promised freedom. I am promised there is no greater love than Your love for me.

So, this is my prayer today. I pray that I love a little more. I pray that I am kinder. I pray that I spread more light and more joy and more hope. I pray that I leave things and people better than I found them. I pray that I extend grace and forgiveness. I pray I practice humility as much as possible. I pray that I use my coping with change target skill. I pray that I appreciate more of the little moments of joy in my life with those I love. I pray that I remain calm and relaxed. I pray that I turn to you with my decisions. I pray that I follow your will. I pray that I stay encouraged and motivated. I pray I share your love with those around me. I pray that I have extended hands to serve and a grateful heart. I don’t know where I am going or who I am going to meet along the way, but I do know You’re coming with me. Thank you Father for preparing a way for me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.