I was listening to Brandon Lake’s Talking to Jesus for like the 72,879th time. It became my theme song last year, even as I started talking to You less and less. Because I think I missed You, even though I’m the one that moved away, not You. You remain the same. You are constant and unwavering. No matter how far my emotions sway.
And I remembered all the times in my life, I have been told to shut up child or hush woman by teachers, family, friends, random people sitting across restaurants and movie theaters. Usually when I’m excited and sharing something good. And best believe I overshare to the point of making it awkward. I overshared one time and this woman looked at me and said yea, I am not unpacking that. (If ever there was a case of: “these are not your people.” That was it.)
I started to think well thank goodness You don’t tell me be quiet when I talk. But then I was like wait a minute there ma’am. Yes You do, because timing is important and who you share with matters. Be Still is literally written on my walls at home because I need the constant reminder. You love to hear from me, but boundaries and respect are also very important in any relationship. The way you talk to your friends, is not the way you can talk to police officers or teachers or authority figures. Also to make friends, you have to be a friend. I am trying to teach our foster kid that at the moment. Kids are mean. Period. Kindness is a learned skill, that has to be taught.
At our Wednesday night, Grow Group, they asked us why it was easier for kids to talk to You like a friend than it was for adults. The truth of the matter is that I stopped talking to You as a friend because I was too busy lookin at my sin, at my shame, than I was lookin at Your goodness. I let my pride get in the way of our relationship and it was easier to keep walkin in the opposite direction from You than it was to address my own pride.
I’ve had to learn a lot over the years. When to talk and when to draw back. Who to share dreams and aspirations with and who to protect those plans from. How to get excited without being overdramatic. How to state a dislike without complaining or nagging. When to keep my mouth shut and when to stand firm and speak up. There are quite a few rules and regulations to this sassy mouth of mine. Then there are the cultural considerations like: do not speak unless spoken to, children should be seen and not heard (which is the worst! and the opposite of what You teach, which is to let the children come to You.), keep other folks name outta ya mouth and mind ya business, yada yada yada.
I haven’t quite mastered the timing for any of those things just yet, but I am growing and learning. And in group settings, I overthink so much that I say nothing at all or I raise my hand and wait to be called upon like grade school. I titled my 9th grade journal: she talks too much because my daddy used to say that was my theme song by George Thorogood. If I ever write a book, that’ll be the title too. I couldn’t talk about my sexual abuse for so many years. It kept me in such a prison of shame and guilt, now I talk about it so openly, it makes others uncomfortable. But that silence gave the enemy so much poison and power over me, that I will continue to speak because it did happen and it was real.
I spent most my life trying to hide because of it. I still catch myself trying to hide sometimes and I have to call it out by name and address it. Because once you name a problem, it loses it’s authority and it’s easier to handle.
So, this is my prayer today. Lord, help me to start talking with you again. Help me to remember You are the one place, I am completely and utterly safe. I do not have to shield myself. I do not have to protect my goals and dreams from you. You want good for me. I do not have to filter my thoughts. You already know them. I do not have to put defenses up and try to dress my sin up pretty. You already forgave me. I do not have to worry or be anxious. You worked everything out for my good and your glory. Jackie Hill Perry, in When You Pray, said: “We have a habit of defining God by our circumstances, not by scriptures.” And boy howdy, did I feel that way down deep in my toes. She continued saying: “If God is good, then He must be doing something good in the midst.” Lord, help me to trust you. Help me to look to You, instead of my own abilities. I make a terrible god. You are such a good, good Father. You will always be more than enough to fill my empty places. Only you can fill my cup. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
southerngirlsprayers 