Oh Jesus, Yes He Will.

I spend way too much time defining what kind of girl that I am not or how I fall short or how I’ll never be that girl. Sometimes, I just need to take a minute to appreciate the kind of woman I actually am.

I am a product of the 90’s. I grew up in a generation that asked WWJD. Not only did I wear the t-shirt, but I had the rainbow bracelet to match and I knew what every color of the beads meant. I do not blink without my brain automatically asking what would Jesus do. When my gut starts telling me something feels wrong, I am automatically thinking, this is not the way Jesus would have handled it, girl, get yo life. I already know Jesus would not be acting this way.

I believe in a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love. “It’s got to be that can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff, right?” I believe in an Ephesians 5 kind of love. I believe in a Proverbs 31 kind of love. I believe in the kind of love written on every page of my Bible.

I am the kind of woman that wants to work in ministry and then spend my off days volunteering for my home Church. I want to spend every waking moment I’ve got pulling up chairs to Your table. I want to live for You. I believe Your word is living and breathing in me. I want more Bible study, not less. I wear Bible verses on my shirts. I am the kind of woman that paints Bible verses on every nook and cranny of the house. I jam out to worship in the car and sing off key at the top of my lungs. I crank the worship music up as loud as it will go while cleaning. I keep it playing on low while I sleep and when I need peace and quiet. I am the kind of woman that screams the lyrics to Come On, Let’s Go To The House Of The Lord” on the way out the door on Sundays.

I am the type of girl that wants to watch every single Hallmark Christmas movie just for that one line about You, Lord in each movie. And ok ok ok, the love stories are pretty great too. And ok ok ok, it’s not just the Christmas ones, I like the fall, spring, and summer ones too. I like them all ok!

I am a big supporter of the little things meaning the most. Sandwiches should always be made with love. Grace should be extended even when anger and push back is given. Meekness is not weakness, it’s strength. I am pretty much an energizer bunny that keeps going and going and going, no matter what is handed to me. If I don’t know the answer, I will find it out just to help someone.

I want to raise foster kids and teach them about Jesus. I want a man to hold my hand and lead me. I want a whole life together. I want dinners on my rooster plates. I want slow dancing in the kitchen. I want to pick up towels off the floor because that means I have a busy family contributing to the world. I want to fold all the stinkin laundry because that means I have kids who want to wear their favorite purple shirt tomorrow to school. I want to go to that hot terrible Walmart once a week because I am out of fruit cups and dog food. I want my Bible to be falling apart because I read it to my kids every morning and spend my own quiet time with You, Father while they’re in school. I want to have someone walk with me on quiet afternoons. I want him to know each and every one of my smiles. And I want to know every line on his rough hands wouldn’t hurt a soul.

So, here is my prayer. Thank you for making me who I am. Thank you for allowing me to find my identity in you, Father. Thank you for letting me see my worth through your eyes and through your love. Thank you for giving me opportunities to filter my actions through your love. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for showing me grace. Thank you for allowing your strength to be shown through my weakness. Thank you for your perfection. Thank you for your guidance. Thank you for your words. Thank you for your still small voice. Thank you for conviction through the holy spirit. Thank you for letting me dream big and for keeping me grounded. Thank you for qualifying the called. Thank you for letting me worship you. Thank you for letting me serve you. Thank you for working on my heart every single day. Thank you for showing me your power. Thank you for miracles. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I will boldly come running straight to the One.

Blameless. I used to hate that word. Because I couldn’t even fathom how You could make me blameless. I carried so much guilt and shame that it created this backwards sense of false humility. I couldn’t possibly be blameless. I couldn’t even say the word.

This week I was craving some time with You, Lord. I was feeling pretty unlovable this week, but knowing it was a lie. So, I started reading: You’re Loved No Matter What by Holley Gerth. I needed someone to speak some serious truth and life into my pretty little stubborn, lie-believing head. And boy, did I get it.

The section on switching from the guilt cycle to the grace cycle, hit me right on the head. Control is not safety and love is not earned. And that’s the truth. I can hear You whispering straight to my heart: my dear child, you are safe and you are loved. Father, sometimes, I try so hard to feel safe and earn love through obedience and service that I lose all track of You and the whole point of obedience and service.

I run from relationships, from intimacy, from love, from security, from peace. The very things I crave. Because of shame and guilt. Because of that pesky blameless word.

That word blameless does not mean that I get off scott free, without consequences. In fact, I was taught as a child that as a Christian, I will be held to a higher standard. I will not be able to get away things like it appears others will. The book I’m reading reiterated that message with the word: conviction. The book re-taught me that childhood lesson. Conviction is a call to stop the negative behavior, it is not guilt and shame. Conviction is a pull on the heart to stop seeking the dark and stop running. Because of conviction, I can do a heart check and ask for forgiveness. I can hear that still, small voice. I can seek the light. I can seek light. and love. Because I am forgiven and free. I am holy and righteous. I am worthy. I am blameless. I am loved. I am Your child. My name is written in the book. I am Yours.

As I read the end of the chapter, the last section is called: Stop Apologizing for Who You Are. I literally wrote in my book: say it again for the girl in the back. Then I realized I was the girl in the back, trying to minimize my successes, trying to downplay my gifts, and trying to skim over my strengths with, “Oh, that was nothing.” I thought the smaller I make myself, the less I could get hurt. Which in reality, hurt me and those around me that I was hiding from. But really, I was only making You smaller, Lord, by minimizing what You’ve given me. I should be shoutin from the mountain tops that I am Yours.

So, here is my prayer today. I pray that I let those around me carry my heart to you even when I can’t. I pray that I help carry the hearts of those around me to you too. I pray that I spend my whole life carrying my future husband’s heart to you even if I haven’t met him yet. I pray I show appreciation and gratitude for the love I am given. I pray that I remember that John 3:16 verse that I’ve been repeating since the 90’s. I pray that I remember I am so loved. I pray that I start walking like I’m loved, talking like I’m loved, leading like I’m loved, breathing like I’m loved. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.