Cause I look at him and I’m pretty sure Ya heard.

I get to doubtin You hear my prayers when things aren’t going my way, orrrr rather the way I think things should be going. I am living proof that hurt people hurt people. I am insecure and an emotional hot mess way more often than I would like to admit. But I’m finding that still, small voice again. I hear You telling me when to stand my ground and when to let it go. Yesterday, was a hold my ground. Yes, I most definitely had a short fuse when I tried to handle it and got real ugly, real fast. Them mama bear protective instincts kicked into overdrive and I made mistakes. This morning, most definitely, plain as day: let it go. Nothing that happens before coffee is even real up in this house. I am all sunshine and birds sangin in the morning. Probs from yearsssss of Daddy wakin us up with “Good Morning Sunshine, it’s Kelloggs breakfast time, you make me soooooo happy…” No matter how many pillows we put over our ears or even threw at him, he persisted. I do not have the persistence down yet. When you shoo me away or tell me to bug off, I most definitely get my feelings hurt and I BUG OFF. With a little buzz like a bee and everything. It ain’t cute in the slightest bit.

Lord, I am trying to seek Your will. I am trying to listen when I’m supposed to move, listen when I’m supposed to be still, listen when I’m supposed to stop actin a fool.

Lord, the world ain’t out to get me. The authority folks around me aren’t trying to take everything from me. I get so insecure sometimes because I know how much I have to lose. I prayed my whole life for the people I have now and I know how much that’s worth. And I’m so scared of losing them that I send em runnin for the hills and I’m ugly to the very folks I am tryin to protect. The worst part about it, I know exactly what I am doing. I am completely aware when I am thinkin and actin irrationally. Sometimes, I can tell myself, hey girl, chill. Sometimes it’s like watchin a train wreck, knowin it’s gonna crash, but still standin on the sidelines, full steam ahead.

Sometimes, I get in that stinkin thinkin like Beth Moore preaches. Sometimes, I get stuck in that trauma place like Lysa Terkheurst preaches. Sometimes, I need to remember who the real enemy is like Priscilla Shirer preaches. Sometimes, I feel the ache of needing Heaven and a good ole chat with You like Lisa Harper preaches. Sometimes, I just need to look at him and remember exactly how much I prayed for every single hair on his head.

So, this is my prayer today. Thank you for this man that loves me even when I doubt how he could. Thank you for this man that loves me even when I feel completely unlovable. Thank you for this man that loves me even when I’m actin ugly. Thank you for this man that loves me even when I’m insecure and irrational. Thank you for this man that loves me even before he’s had his coffee in the mornin. Thank you for this man that loves me even when my mama bear side starts growlin. Lord have mercy, I don’t deserve him and that alone is living proof that ya heard my prayers. He is so much better than even my best prayers. Lord, I begged and pleaded for yearssssss for you to bring him into my life. I got to a point when I gave up thinkin he was comin. I doubted your goodness. I grew up believin that the way a man loves a woman is a reflection of your love for your people. I didn’t realize how deeply you loved your church until I felt love for him. Thank you for lovin me. And thank you for lovin me too much to leave me stuck in my mess. Thank you for pullin me outta the mud, dustin the dirt off my boots and my heart, and tellin me to do better next time. Thank you for lovin me so much more than I deserve. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I’m on my way to Heaven, would you like to come along?

I didn’t know where to begin this one. I didn’t know how to start or even where to start. A friend of mine shared their story with me so I wanted to honor that trust by bringing it to the very person who wrote my story, Lord, You. Father, I think the very least I can do is to trust You. A sweet preacher in Chelsea, AL taught us, a few Sundays ago, that: “no one can sing my song but me.” He said: “you are a somebody because He knows your name, He knows your song.” 

Ok, so here goes nothing. Or everything…

I was sexually abused by more than one person, in more than one way.

All before I even started high school. I wanted to pretend this wasn’t real. Sometimes, it still doesn’t feel real. I almost convinced myself that the nightmares, were just nightmares. I started the healing process through counseling. I started to see things more clearly. Some of the symptoms that I had just chalked up to normal life were actually signs of PTSD and Disassociation. I got wayyy more signs of disassociation than I would like to admit. Ya girl got issues.

But You, my God, are so patient. so kind. so loving. You were there through it all. The more I have gotten to know You, the more I can see You through all of it.

My favorite verse is Isaiah 43:2 which says: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. If left to my own devices, I would be drowned, consumed, overwhelmed, and burned. I would have never made it through the second grade. But my God, that is the exact year I got saved. That is the exact year, I walked down that church aisle, asking You to save me. I always forget the first verse which says: But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. Lord, not only did You create me and form me. You redeemed me. You call me by name. When Satan calls me by my sin, You call me by my name! I am free from the wrath by the power of the blood. I saved this picture on my phone that says: “I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.”

I started the Redeemed study by Angela Thomas-Pharr. In the first part, she asks us to fill in the blank for: “I’ve given up trying…” I finished it with: “to walk like this.” I am not carrying this baggage anymore. I am unloading these suitcases. I am not carrying this weight with me any longer. This guilt. This shame. This pride. This need for control. This darkness. I let everyone else in my life set the boundaries, so then I put up walls in response to my boundaries being crossed. What I should have been doing is letting You, Lord, set up my perimeters and focused on You. Because when I have my eyes on You, I’m walking on water. When I focus on everything around me, I’m sinking. Lord, I crave the light because there is a darkness in me, darker than even I know. In those broken places, is the exact places that the light gets in. In those broken places, is the exact places that we can help someone else. The exact place that I can chose to share Your glory.

When I lost my friend, I asked You a lot of why questions. Through Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkheurst, I realized that was the wrong question. The right question is: what am I gonna do with what I have been given, what I have left? In the Redeemed study, I am learning to ask: who You are and what You’ve said. In Unwrap the Bible, Beth Moore said: “God is going to use one question to lead to blessings in another question.” 

I have this question written in my journal that says: how do you design something, knowing it’ll fail? Lord, You created me, You designed every hair on my head. You knew I would fail before I even took my first breath. But I think that is the point. I think that right there is redemption. When I am broken way beyond repair. When I fall to my knees. That right there is exactly where I need to be. Because right there is exactly where You fix me. Because right there is exactly where I see You work.

Steven Furtick said: “whether we know it or not, we are passing on our perspective to those we influence. And whatever is not healed is handed down. I can’t chose what I’m handed but I can choose what I hand back.” In The Gospel of Mark, Lisa Harper told us that: “Jesus knows exactly where you are. Jesus knows how heart-broken you are, He’s been there. He’s been segregated and alone in the wilderness, facing wild beasts. He knows exactly where you hurt.” Lisa said we don’t have to clean ourselves up to come to You. But my God, You love us too much to leave us that way. You meet us there and cover us.

I have always been a very organized planner. I have my five year plan but I also have a ten year plan and a fifteen year plan. I have certainly changed my plans over the years. 1st grade me wanted to serve You and be a missionary. Best believe, I had a plan for it too. As I got older, I wanted to be a teacher. In middle school, ya girl watched Legally Blonde and got a little power hungry. Ya girl wanted to be a lawyer then a judge then swoop right into the supreme court. In high school, I came back around to teaching. In college, I switched majors to Communications. Now I’ve gone and started grad school in human services counseling in christian ministries.

I tend to get overly excited and put my cart before my horse. But no where, on any of my plans, was any of the bad stuff. Ok. I planned perfect fairy tales with only enough realism approved by yours truly. The only thing that has remained a constant is my want to serve You in whatever capacity I could find. Lysa Terkheurst said: “remember this: God is working things out. He is present. His plan is still good and He can still be trusted. I used to think that being in ministry made me more of a target for the enemy’s attacks. But now I think God saw the attacks coming and made sure I was in ministry. Having my heart and mind constantly focused on God’s Truths has changed the way I see and process everything.”

So, here is my prayer today. I pray that I lead with kindness and grace. I pray that I am showing others who you are. I pray that I am showing others what you do. I pray that I am showing others when to lean on you. I pray that I am showing others where you’re leading. I pray that I am showing others why I chose to walk with you. I pray that I am showing others how to follow you. I pray that every word in my story point to you. Father, even when I am not present, you are. Father, even when my plans are no good at all, you are. Father, even when I fail miserably, you can still be trusted. Kelly Minter said: “who Jesus has called you to be is the most exciting and liberating identity you can have.” Abba, thank you for reminding me that my identity is found in you. Thank you for reminding me that my identity is not what happened to me, what I’ve lost, or even what I’ve done. Hanna Brencher said: “one day you’ll be out of this. And all the things you felt-all the places you went in the dark-will help someone come out of the woods too.” Lord, open my eyes to the needs of those around me. Niki Rowe wrote: “like a wild flower; she spent her days, allowing herself to grow, not many knew of her struggle, but eventually all; knew of her light.” I pray that everyone around me sees your light in me. Lord, I chose you. I chose grace over wrath. I chose life over death. I chose light over dark. I chose trust over fear. I chose your plan over mine. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The sky’s getting dark but light shines through.

I’ve been acting like Chad Michael Murray in A Cinderella Story. I’ve been waiting for rain in this drought before I realized what I’ve known all along. So Lord, “Sorry I waited for the rain.” 

In Bible study, we watched Unwrap the Bible with Beth Moore. In the video, she talks about Hagar. She was Sarai’s servant and they were going through a rough patch to say the least. There was bitterness and resentment and a whole lot of pride. She ran away to this well where You told Hagar to go back to Sarai and submit to her. Beth Moore pointed out that “she is going back to the same place but not the same person.” That one statement resonated in me. I might have been sent back to the same place, but I am not the same person.

Beth Moore talked about Sarai and how she forgot when she was lashing out that it was all her idea to begin with. She asked for it. And boyyyy have I asked for things that were completely different when I actually got them. I could definitely relate to that. I’m learning that sometimes You don’t give us what we want and ask for, sometimes You give us what we need.

She continued the video talking about “Miss Mess” and how Miss Mess has been in enough messes to be a mess herself and sometimes she helps make the mess. Ever since I saw He’s Just Not That Into You, I have tried to cut the unneeded drama from my life. Justin Long tells Ginnifer Goodwin’s character that she lives for it. I related to her character the most and all her shenanigans. So, I cut the unneeded stress and anxiety out. I stopped letting the car get anywhere close to empty. I learned to pay bills wayyyy before deadlines. I’ve always been responsible and made lists, but I took it to a whole new level after relating to Miss Mess Ginnifer Goodwin.

Towards the end of the video, Beth Moore says: “Hopefully we’ll meet Him where He is. In case we don’t, He’ll show up right where we are. Sometimes we got to the well, sometimes the well comes to us.” Lately, I’ve been waiting for rain in this drought. I was listening to what You were saying, I just didn’t want to. I was being stubborn and hard headed. I knew You were trying to talk to me, I just wanted things my way, in my time. I was in a self pity rut. I am real good at making myself invisible, that’s part of why I relate to Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries sooo much. Except her invisibility wasn’t intentional, mine is. When I want attention, I do the exact opposite of getting it. I draw in real close and hide. Beth Moore told us to bring our canteens to You that no one else remembered to fill for us. For a girl who likes to make herself invisible knowing You always see me and hear me is quite a security blanket, one I don’t always appreciate and tend to take for granted. When I need my canteen filled, I put on my Harry Potter cloak of invisibility and wait for someone to find me and refill my canteen. The truth is, waiting for someone else to refill my canteen is like waiting for rain in this drought, “useless and disappointing.” It’s job only You can do. And all I have to do is ask. That’s the trouble, sometimes I wait for rain to ask.

So, this is my prayer. I pray I am gonna let that song that I’ve been holding in and I’m gonna let it all go. I pray that I let it ride. I pray that I listen to your voice. I pray that I trust you. I pray that I give you back the steering wheel. I pray that I let you lead me. I pray that I lean on you. I pray that stop waiting for rain. I pray that I learn to come to you before the storm. I pray that I learn to come to the well before my canteen is empty. I pray that I stop waiting on someone else refill my canteen. Thank you for bringing the well to me when I run away. I pray that I stop acting like Miss Mess and remember to carry that spirit of a wife with me. Thank you for sending me back a changed person. Thank you for continuing to knock on my door even when I’m peeking out the window and not answering the door. Thank you for being patient with me. I pray that I learn to open the door with confidence when you come knocking. I pray that I stop letting fear control me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

You have my heart.

Allyson Rowe’s post was shared on my Facebook newsfeed and she dropped some wisdom into some deep places in my heart. She talked about Proverbs 18:22 which says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD. She emphasized that word wife. She said: “you are a wife the moment he meets you, not the moment he marries you.” She told us to walk around as if we are already taken and begin walking with the spirit of a wife. Ohhhh girl. Say it again. Say it again. Let it sink in. She talked about how some girls act like a girlfriend. I never really did that though, but I sure wasn’t acting like a wife. I am active member of the friend zone since 1991, but this girl is retiring. I always liked the idea of love growing out of friendship and marrying your best friend. After hearing her words, everything clicked into place and slid into focus. I have been a bridesmaid in three weddings. Three weddings that I knew You designed. Three weddings where I realize now that those beautiful friends of mine were walking in the spirit of a wife long before their wedding days. I have spent my whole life acting like everyone’s friend and wondering why no one was interested in more. I wasn’t walking with the spirit of a wife. I was waiting for some part of my life to begin. I have been walking around waiting, instead of walking around already taken.

She also said You, Lord will present us to him, that we do not have to do that. That I knew, but when I meet someone, I quickly forget. I need to work on this part. I’m either so shy I will literally never speak because I want to be invisible or I tend to want to show off and impress when I first meet someone. If I could serenade every cute boy with “I’m so pretty and witty,” I probably would. I’m like a show pony, I wanna jump around and have my hair brushed. It’s one extreme or the other. I have no middle ground. God, I am so glad You have another plan, because mine is a hot mess sometimes.

I went to a Bible study on Proverbs 31 and what it meant to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I kept my notes from it because I got a lot out of it, and I applied it to my life in parts but I don’t think I really applied it as a whole because I figured I wasn’t a wife yet. Looking back at my notes, Lord in the last year, You have taken those parts and shown me depth into each individual part and I think I’m finally connecting the dots You were trying to show me. I am finally putting all the pieces of the puzzle together. We learned that “a Godly woman is: strength, trustworthy, industrious, organized, loving, orders the priorities of her world so that Christ comes first, inwardly wise, occupied and adorned her rightful place, her relationships and responsibilities are wisely balanced.” See that’s just the first post-it of notes and I can already see where You have been teaching me that this year. Inwardly wise. Ohhh how I have a new meaning for that word wise. (Thank you, Beth Moore.) Ohh that word. Now that next part is what I’ve been struggling with lately. Occupied and adorned her rightful place. First off, You have been teaching me that in like sixteen different ways with the book of Genesis. You started with Eve and now Hagar. You started with my place as a woman and then You worked on my place in this world. In Bible study a week and a half ago, we watched: Unwrap the Bible. In the video we learned that just because we are going back to the same place, we are not going back the same person. (Thank you again, Beth Moore.) The last part was illustrated on Supergirl when Cat said that we have to take on a little bit at a time and balance what we have, then we can add more. It’s all about balance and understanding.

In that Proverbs 31 Bible study, we learned four C’s. We should be committed, first to You, finding our identify from You, and second to our family. We should be competent and communicative, both requiring that pretty little word: wisdom. Compassionate is the final C, with open arms and hands for everyone around me.

So, this is my prayer today. I pray that I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I pray that I keeping working to become that Proverbs 18:22 wife. I pray that I start walking with the spirit of a wife. I pray that I start walking like I am already taken. Lord, you are still my first love. I have been seeking you since before I can even remember. How I adore you, Jesus. You are my greatest joy. Ohh my soul rejoice. Lord, I pray that I am strength, trustworthy, industrious, organized, loving, order my priorities of my world so that you come first, inwardly wise, occupy and adorn my rightful place, and that my relationships and responsibilities are wisely balanced. I pray that you keep showing me your wisdom. I pray that voice in my head telling me to get some wisdom, only grows. I pray that I continue to grow committed, competent, communicative, and compassionate.  I pray that I apply what I’ve learned this year. I pray that I start becoming the woman you need me to be. Thank you for working on my heart. Thank you for changing my heart. Thank you for your truths. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

My life surrendered, my heart abandoned for more of You.

Part of me struggles with leading people to You because some days I can’t even get my own life to fly right so how can I help anyone else? But last year I sat through a sermon where the preacher said: “cleaning your heart will clean all parts of your life.” He quoted 2 Timothy 2:20-26 where he told us we were vessels to be made useful for the Master. He told us that You want to use us, we just need to get the dirt out of our hearts.

He broke down the verses and gave us the three main points:

1. to be strong and flee from youthful desires. Well we are calling me out already. My heart is convicted right there. I can hear Jo Dee Messina singing: “I’ve got pride, I’m takin’ it for a ride.” I can be real immature and real selfish. I forget there is this whole world around me. Lord, without You, I can mess things up six ways to Sunday.

2. to be committed to righteousness, faith, love, and peace. That righteousness word always intimidated me. Like how in the world do I accomplish that? The funny thing is that I make that one so complicated, but if I just commit to the other three, then righteousness falls right into place. They all go hand in hand.

3. to be consistent. Next to that I have written: humble and gentle. Okkk, we finally got something I know how to do. I’m gentle. Okk, so if I’m being honest, I need to work on the humility aspect. Then in parenthesis it says to create a habit of not fighting and fussing. Alrightttttyyyy then. I literally wrote on that church bulletin: “no foolish arguments.” Like I knew that one was gonna be a bitter pill to swallow and I would need to remind myself of that one a time or two.

Lord, I am far from perfect and some days, I find it completely terrifying that You have called me. But then I remember the sweet words of a girl in Bible study one time. She said: “I like Christ in myself.” Lord, I can list a million reasons why I shouldn’t be called, but You never called the qualified. You take my broken pieces and make them whole, that’s why I’m called. Because You are working in me and I can share that progress with others. Just like when I shared my report card to my parents as a kid, I can share what You are doing in me. And Lord, You are changing my heart more and more every day.

Beth Moore taught me that I am not responsible for being Christ to my people. She said that is not my responsibility. She said: “We are not Christ to them. We need to move it and let God do His job.” Lord, I have trouble remembering to get out of Your way. I have to remember that it is You in me that I like. I am not You. I cannot do what You do. You are my God. You are the King of the world. You are the Risen Savior. Lord, You are challenging my little bitty perspective and I want to be used for Your glory, not my own. I am nothing without You. I like You in me.

Lord, someone described it like this: You are the Gardener and I am the planter. I just plant the seeds that You give me. Someone else comes along to water the seeds. Someone else fertilizes the soil. We never know the impact we’re making because we’re just planting seeds, but You have this grand designed plan that connects every little thing. David Ring said: “If you don’t do your job, no one else can do theirs. It takes a whole team, it takes everybody.” He said: “I could never be the quarterback, but I can help somebody else be a quarterback.” He taught us to create a ministry of encouragement. He told us to make ourselves more available to You. He asked us if we were doing all we could do with all we have or could we do more. Lord, today I want to make myself available to You. I want to plant Your seeds.

So here is my prayer today. Lord, I wanna close to you. I pray that I make myself available to you. I pray that I keep planting seeds. I pray that I remember to that you are God. I pray that I remember to let you work. I pray that you use me and move me. I pray that I am a team builder and a team player. I pray that I help create a ministry of encouragement to those around me. I pray that I am strong. I pray that I am committed. I pray that I am consistent. I pray that I find my worth in you. I pray that I invite you into every hidden place, in every dark place, in every crevice of my existence. I pray that I like you in me. I pray that I am found in your presence. I pray that my only focus is to worship you. I pray that I am bound to you. I pray that my sole devotion is to you. I pray that clean out my heart. I pray that I work on removing all the dust, debris, dirt, filth, and darkness. I pray that your light shines a light into my heart and fills all the broken places. I pray that I have eyes to see that you are all I need. I pray I seek you in your fullness. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I got somethin’ make the devil gonna run.

I still sleep with a teddy bear. I still call my mama when something goes right or wrong. I still call my daddy when I need something. When I’m scared, I still pray. When I was growing up, my mama taught me to pray when the nightmares won’t let you sleep. She told to pray out loud and tell the devil that I am a child of Yours and tell him he isn’t welcome here. When it’s the imaginary monsters under your bed and you have a brand new faith that is bigger than the monsters, it’s easy. When the imaginary monsters become real, that’s when my faith gets tested. But the villain is still the same. And You, my God, are still bigger.

There is a quote that says: “Fill your mind with God’s word and you will have no room for satan’s lies.” I’ve been listening to the lies for far too long. All the guilt and shame and darkness and fears sound so stupid out loud. I’ve held it in for so long that I let it consume me until I could hardly breathe. I was giving my sins control over me. It felt so big when I was holding it in and the more I held onto it the more power I gave it and the bigger it got, the more it consumed me. I heard once that: “What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.” I was doing all of those things. I was worshiping my sin. I saw this picture on Pinterest and the truth is: “where sins run deep, His love runs deeper.”

Beth Moore, at the Living Proof Conference, said: “wisdom is a whirl with wonder.” She said that: “when we play the fool, we always lose.” She said: “wisdom gets us out of the house before it destroys us.” The next day she said: “wisdom knows folly can kill you.” I can hear Beth Moore telling me to get me some wisdom right now. Frank Ocean said: “whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.” I have a problem running back to things I put down at Your feet, Lord.

For a girl who craves control, I sure was giving it away. The wanting for control started long before even me. Genesis 3:16 says: Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” We were studying creation in Sunday School and I’ve heard the verse a hundred times, but never that version apparently. That word control grabbed hold of my attention and I’ve been thinking about it since. I may not have a husband yet, but I sure was giving my control away. To the wrong person. Matt Chandler said: “God has seen our unloveliness-the deep brokenness and rebellion in our hearts-and instead of withdrawing, He pursues us until the very end.”

“What God is bringing you through at this very moment is going to be the testimony that will bring somebody else though. No mess, no message.” “You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.”

So, that is my prayer today. Father, help me to give my control to you. Help me to lay aside what I’ve been carrying. I pray that I watch my thoughts. I pray that I protect my attitude. I pray that I guard my heart. I pray that I clean up my “stinking thinking.” I pray that I stop letting what I feel guide me. I pray that I have a more intentional imagination. I pray that I stop listening to the lies. I pray that stop running back to what broke me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for letting your love go deeper than my sins. I pray that I become the woman my mama taught me to be when I was a little girl. I pray that instead of hiding my mess, I use it for your glory. I pray that I pursue you. I pray that I am intentional in my walk with you. I pray that I seek you above all else. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

I should feel refreshed and feeling great today. I had a full weekend filled with blessings. But instead of being appreciative of everything I have, I have been in a terrible mood all day. I complained and grumbled and fussed. I took a nap, that didn’t help. Over the weekend, I went to the Beth Moore Living Proof Conference with my church. I was filled by You the whole weekend. Then the moment I walked inside, after getting off the van, I felt like a balloon loosing all it’s air. My leg started itching from bug bites. I was too lazy to bring my luggage inside. I was reading a book that was so beautiful I cried. Denise Hunter had done it again and I just couldn’t put down Dancing With Fireflies. Real life hit hard on that drive home. I was jealous of a love story in a book. I was jealous of careers, families, husbands, people waiting on them at home. Monday, I got up with no real purpose. I came back to some packed up boxes and a desk in the garage, my little bat cave.

I should feel blessed. I should be thankful to have the opportunity to go to the conference. To hear all about wonderfully complicated families and worthwhile stressful careers and beautifully hectic schedules. To get to know them better and be so encouraged by their strength. To have a mom that planned the whole trip and invited me along. To have friends that met up with me and visited me while in town. To have parents who allow me to stay in their house and help me while I figure out what to do with my life after graduation.

Instead, I was ungrateful. I was more cranky in one day than I’ve been in the whole summer combined and I was rude to everyone that spoke to me. It was a downward spiral fun of sin. I had a plan for after graduation and it did not include sitting at a desk in a garage with a fan plugged up and a bad attitude.

Then I started to remember what we were taught this weekend. I could hear Beth Moore in my head saying: “Girl, you need to get you some wisdom.” At the conference she said: “Satan cannot keep you from getting wisdom, if you want it.” Today, I did not want it. I didn’t want anything from anyone. Then I made myself get up and do the dishes. Cleaning dishes gives me a little bit of that control I so desperately try to hold onto. But that’s just it isn’t it? Lord, I am trying to control everything. Every single thing in my life.

Lord, Beth Moore told us to ask for clarity. She told us about concealed wisdom and how You lead us to some things and we didn’t even have the sense to make that decision. Lord, I immediately thought of how I came to college in the first place. I didn’t find South Alabama on my own. Lord, You had a friend bring it to me. I didn’t even decide to go Greek either, I just did it. I firmly believe You used concealed wisdom to bring both opportunities to me. Those were two of the best things that ever happened in my life and they weren’t my decisions. I was just following the voice in my head telling me to go forward. Lord, You were guiding me and I didn’t even realize it at the time. Now I can see Your hand over every decision I made. So if I know all this and know that I should follow You, why do I still try to control everything?

Trust issues. Folly. Beth Moore said that folly indulges insecurity. I sure did have a lot of insecurity today. Everything is not going according to my plan and my way and my timing. My plan included graduating in five years, not six. My plan included starting a career, using my degree, immediately after graduation. My plan included getting married on August 20, 2016. Well… that was nine days ago for starters… Obviously my plans are not going so smoothly. But “wisdom is about God being right, not me.” The last point that Beth Moore made is “wisdom can tell what time it is.” She said: “wisdom knows when to move and when to come back.” I sure could use some wisdom, because I have no sense of direction. She said: “Ask for directions. If I take four steps forward, give me a sign if it’s folly.” At the beginning of the conference she said: “there is no place wisdom cannot show up, no crossroad.” 

So, here is my prayer today. Father, I am asking for wisdom. I am at a crossroad. I am asking for direction. I started making steps in one direction, Lord. I need you to take over from here. I am giving you control. Lord, you call the shots. I am just stepping out your way. I am a flawed human, with limited sight and can only see what is right in front of me. Father, you see all of eternity and have a plan that far outreaches mine. Lord, I am asking you to show up. I am asking you to open my eyes. Lord, please forgive me. I let things into my heart today that had no business there. Lord, I pray that you guard my heart. I pray that stop letting my emotions and attitude rule me. I pray that Lord, you move me instead. I pray that I stop focusing on everything not going according to my plan and focus on all the many, many ways you have blessed me. I pray that I put you above all else. I pray that I give you everything I have, everything I am. I pray that I put my hope and my trust in you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.