The sky’s getting dark but light shines through.

I’ve been acting like Chad Michael Murray in A Cinderella Story. I’ve been waiting for rain in this drought before I realized what I’ve known all along. So Lord, “Sorry I waited for the rain.” 

In Bible study, we watched Unwrap the Bible with Beth Moore. In the video, she talks about Hagar. She was Sarai’s servant and they were going through a rough patch to say the least. There was bitterness and resentment and a whole lot of pride. She ran away to this well where You told Hagar to go back to Sarai and submit to her. Beth Moore pointed out that “she is going back to the same place but not the same person.” That one statement resonated in me. I might have been sent back to the same place, but I am not the same person.

Beth Moore talked about Sarai and how she forgot when she was lashing out that it was all her idea to begin with. She asked for it. And boyyyy have I asked for things that were completely different when I actually got them. I could definitely relate to that. I’m learning that sometimes You don’t give us what we want and ask for, sometimes You give us what we need.

She continued the video talking about “Miss Mess” and how Miss Mess has been in enough messes to be a mess herself and sometimes she helps make the mess. Ever since I saw He’s Just Not That Into You, I have tried to cut the unneeded drama from my life. Justin Long tells Ginnifer Goodwin’s character that she lives for it. I related to her character the most and all her shenanigans. So, I cut the unneeded stress and anxiety out. I stopped letting the car get anywhere close to empty. I learned to pay bills wayyyy before deadlines. I’ve always been responsible and made lists, but I took it to a whole new level after relating to Miss Mess Ginnifer Goodwin.

Towards the end of the video, Beth Moore says: “Hopefully we’ll meet Him where He is. In case we don’t, He’ll show up right where we are. Sometimes we got to the well, sometimes the well comes to us.” Lately, I’ve been waiting for rain in this drought. I was listening to what You were saying, I just didn’t want to. I was being stubborn and hard headed. I knew You were trying to talk to me, I just wanted things my way, in my time. I was in a self pity rut. I am real good at making myself invisible, that’s part of why I relate to Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries sooo much. Except her invisibility wasn’t intentional, mine is. When I want attention, I do the exact opposite of getting it. I draw in real close and hide. Beth Moore told us to bring our canteens to You that no one else remembered to fill for us. For a girl who likes to make herself invisible knowing You always see me and hear me is quite a security blanket, one I don’t always appreciate and tend to take for granted. When I need my canteen filled, I put on my Harry Potter cloak of invisibility and wait for someone to find me and refill my canteen. The truth is, waiting for someone else to refill my canteen is like waiting for rain in this drought, “useless and disappointing.” It’s job only You can do. And all I have to do is ask. That’s the trouble, sometimes I wait for rain to ask.

So, this is my prayer. I pray I am gonna let that song that I’ve been holding in and I’m gonna let it all go. I pray that I let it ride. I pray that I listen to your voice. I pray that I trust you. I pray that I give you back the steering wheel. I pray that I let you lead me. I pray that I lean on you. I pray that stop waiting for rain. I pray that I learn to come to you before the storm. I pray that I learn to come to the well before my canteen is empty. I pray that I stop waiting on someone else refill my canteen. Thank you for bringing the well to me when I run away. I pray that I stop acting like Miss Mess and remember to carry that spirit of a wife with me. Thank you for sending me back a changed person. Thank you for continuing to knock on my door even when I’m peeking out the window and not answering the door. Thank you for being patient with me. I pray that I learn to open the door with confidence when you come knocking. I pray that I stop letting fear control me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

You have my heart.

Allyson Rowe’s post was shared on my Facebook newsfeed and she dropped some wisdom into some deep places in my heart. She talked about Proverbs 18:22 which says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD. She emphasized that word wife. She said: “you are a wife the moment he meets you, not the moment he marries you.” She told us to walk around as if we are already taken and begin walking with the spirit of a wife. Ohhhh girl. Say it again. Say it again. Let it sink in. She talked about how some girls act like a girlfriend. I never really did that though, but I sure wasn’t acting like a wife. I am active member of the friend zone since 1991, but this girl is retiring. I always liked the idea of love growing out of friendship and marrying your best friend. After hearing her words, everything clicked into place and slid into focus. I have been a bridesmaid in three weddings. Three weddings that I knew You designed. Three weddings where I realize now that those beautiful friends of mine were walking in the spirit of a wife long before their wedding days. I have spent my whole life acting like everyone’s friend and wondering why no one was interested in more. I wasn’t walking with the spirit of a wife. I was waiting for some part of my life to begin. I have been walking around waiting, instead of walking around already taken.

She also said You, Lord will present us to him, that we do not have to do that. That I knew, but when I meet someone, I quickly forget. I need to work on this part. I’m either so shy I will literally never speak because I want to be invisible or I tend to want to show off and impress when I first meet someone. If I could serenade every cute boy with “I’m so pretty and witty,” I probably would. I’m like a show pony, I wanna jump around and have my hair brushed. It’s one extreme or the other. I have no middle ground. God, I am so glad You have another plan, because mine is a hot mess sometimes.

I went to a Bible study on Proverbs 31 and what it meant to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I kept my notes from it because I got a lot out of it, and I applied it to my life in parts but I don’t think I really applied it as a whole because I figured I wasn’t a wife yet. Looking back at my notes, Lord in the last year, You have taken those parts and shown me depth into each individual part and I think I’m finally connecting the dots You were trying to show me. I am finally putting all the pieces of the puzzle together. We learned that “a Godly woman is: strength, trustworthy, industrious, organized, loving, orders the priorities of her world so that Christ comes first, inwardly wise, occupied and adorned her rightful place, her relationships and responsibilities are wisely balanced.” See that’s just the first post-it of notes and I can already see where You have been teaching me that this year. Inwardly wise. Ohhh how I have a new meaning for that word wise. (Thank you, Beth Moore.) Ohh that word. Now that next part is what I’ve been struggling with lately. Occupied and adorned her rightful place. First off, You have been teaching me that in like sixteen different ways with the book of Genesis. You started with Eve and now Hagar. You started with my place as a woman and then You worked on my place in this world. In Bible study a week and a half ago, we watched: Unwrap the Bible. In the video we learned that just because we are going back to the same place, we are not going back the same person. (Thank you again, Beth Moore.) The last part was illustrated on Supergirl when Cat said that we have to take on a little bit at a time and balance what we have, then we can add more. It’s all about balance and understanding.

In that Proverbs 31 Bible study, we learned four C’s. We should be committed, first to You, finding our identify from You, and second to our family. We should be competent and communicative, both requiring that pretty little word: wisdom. Compassionate is the final C, with open arms and hands for everyone around me.

So, this is my prayer today. I pray that I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I pray that I keeping working to become that Proverbs 18:22 wife. I pray that I start walking with the spirit of a wife. I pray that I start walking like I am already taken. Lord, you are still my first love. I have been seeking you since before I can even remember. How I adore you, Jesus. You are my greatest joy. Ohh my soul rejoice. Lord, I pray that I am strength, trustworthy, industrious, organized, loving, order my priorities of my world so that you come first, inwardly wise, occupy and adorn my rightful place, and that my relationships and responsibilities are wisely balanced. I pray that you keep showing me your wisdom. I pray that voice in my head telling me to get some wisdom, only grows. I pray that I continue to grow committed, competent, communicative, and compassionate.  I pray that I apply what I’ve learned this year. I pray that I start becoming the woman you need me to be. Thank you for working on my heart. Thank you for changing my heart. Thank you for your truths. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I’m gonna shout Your name till the walls come falling down.

In The Goodbye Bride by Denise Hunter, she talked about being the kind of woman who is “wearing out the knees in her jeans.” I wanna be that kind of woman. I wanna tackle everything that comes my way in faith. I wanna bring everything to You. I wanna handle every single moment in prayer, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, and every second in-between. In the 21 Days of Prayer, we learned to make our prayers 1. united 2. scriptural 3. bold, zealous, and fervent. We were also taught to “pray from a position of victory” and “pray from a position of power.” I wanna do more than just take notes on Sunday. I wanna apply those notes to my life. I struggled in school with that. I was real good at learning what I needed to know, but when asked to apply those concepts, I was at a loss for words. I learned how to study and apply concepts in college. Now, I wanna do it to my prayer life.

I heard that: “prayer is the most conversation of the day. Take it to God before you take it to anyone else.” This past Sunday, the devotion we started the morning off with was on prayer. I love when things connect like that. Like how I was praying about Abraham and Sarah and Genesis 16 then that’s we’re gonna discuss next week in Bible study and it is the next story we are gonna focus on in the children’s class. Lord, You have a divine design and You craft every single moment to line up to teach us and for Your master plan. You’re playing Connect Four with our hearts.

Lord, I’ve put walls up somewhere along the way. I thought it was to protect and guard my heart, but really I was just keeping others out. There is a picture on Pinterest that says: “he broke down her walls without her even noticing and when he rebuilt the walls he added windows to let the sunshine in.” I wanna let Your light in, Lord.

So here is my prayer today. I wanna pray the prayer I found in my notes: “God, help me to focus on truth instead of the trial. Help me to give thanks instead of giving into fear. Help me to choose joy instead of anger. Help me to trust in your power instead of my plan. Help me elevate your name instead of my own.” Lord, I pray that I choose you. I pray that I keep choosing you. I pray that you take down my walls and put windows in. I pray that I am open and transparent so others can see you in me. I pray others to see your work in me. I pray others to see your love in me. I pray they see your name written all over my life. I wanna praise you. I wanna worship you. I want to pray from a position of victory and confidence and scripture and boldness and from a place of your power. I pray that the knees are worn out on my jeans because of a lifetime spent in prayer. I pray I pick up my cross and follow you. I pray that I take up residence in a place of healing and freedom and your love. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

A cross meant to kill is my victory.

The other night, my dad and brother started talking about when You were gonna come back. I immediately started panicking and going through my checklist or rather my bucket list and thinking about all the things I haven’t done yet. I literally sat there and thought Lorddddd, let me married first. I sat there and prayed. I want to start a family. I want to contribute to the world. I want a career. I want to adopt. I want so many things and as I sit here praying I realize how childish I must sound. Actually, I probs sound purrrrty bonkers. Like this is my thought process: “Heaven, but first let me adopt some kids and find a good man…” Like child please. I’ve been told a lot that my head is in the clouds, I didn’t believe them until just now. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things. The problem is with my thought process and my reactions made out of plum fear. Like I sat there thinking, ohhh girl, better hurry up and a nail down a man before You come. Like I could rush it or something. I was praying out of fear.

You know who else acted out fear? Abraham and Sarah. There is a story in Genesis 16 about how they wanted some little munchkins running around, just like I do. Anddd ohhh poor Sarah. Boy did she act of fear. Homegirl wanted a family so bad she told her husband to make one with another woman. Then, big shocker, it didn’t make Sarah happy, instead she got jealous and mean. The devil intended to use her fear to destroy her. But what the devil intends to destroy, You use for Your ultimate glory. Two chapters later, in Genesis 18, You told Abraham and Sarah that she was going to have the child she always wanted. She literally laughed. I’m 24 and sitting here thinking that my clock is ticking and this woman is well past her childbearing years. She literally laughed. Lord, she let her fear consume her and drive her every action and thought.

Lord, so many times I react without thinking. The devil is playing on my weaknesses. He is literally using every tool in his arsenal to misguide, manipulate, and disarm me. He is doing everything in his power to stop me from praising You. But You came for me. So, today instead of letting fear control me, I am going to sing Crowder’s song as loud as I can.

“Oh, Your amazing grace, I’ve seen and tasted it
It’s running through my veins
I can’t escape its grip in You my soul is safe
You uncover everything”

I haven’t been this excited for an album in soooo long. My love for Crowder’s new CD started in September and I’m taking their sweet lyrics into October with me.

So, here is my prayer. I pray that I keep singing and I take the lessons I’ve learned from their lyrics with me. I pray that you keep showing me your love. I pray that I learn to act of love instead react out of fear. I pray that I let your amazing grace wash over me and run through my veins. I pray that you change my stinkin thinkin. Thank you for using what the devil intends to harm me, to use for your glory. Thank you for the cross. Thank you taking the sting out of death. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for taking away my sin. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for coming for me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.