I guess You know what You’re doin’ after all.

Lord, You tried talking some sense to me last night, but I wasn’t ready to listen so, You got me up this morning before the sun. Alright, alright, alright I get it. You’ve got something to say and I can’t run from it anymore. I opened Instagram and my sorority little had sent me Thomas Rhett’s story where he was singin an unreleased song he wrote called Ya Heard. He sings about praying for all these things since he was 17 and 23 and he knows Ya heard because he has so much more than he prayed for. You took his prayers and gave them life, literally.

I prayed, begged, and pleaded. Then I pushed and pressured because I was scared. So, I lost it.

I lost the very thing I was praying for. My sister thinks that’s because it was never meant for me. I am not so convinced. I still want it. Probably naively and probs just plain old stupidly. Because if a man wants you, he will make it happen. That’s what the rom coms teach anyways.

I am not sure where compromising ends and begins. I’m not sure where honoring someone else and staying true to myself ends and begins. I thought I did. But then real life happened and I wasn’t so sure. I would have given anything and everything which just seems silly now. Honestly, I feel plain old stupid right about now. I read Ephesians 5:21-33 over and over. I thought this was Your plan, but maybe I just wanted it so much, I let myself believe that.

Father, maybe my prayers will be answered and it’ll come back. Maybe my sister is right and I’ll find something new. Maybe this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back and I will finally just accept it’s not happening for me and move on.

So, here is my prayer. No matter the weather, I will praise you. No matter what happens, I will praise you. No matter if it comes back and works out, I will praise you. No matter if your plans are different from my own, I will praise you. No matter if I am never loved at all, I will praise you. Lord, my circumstances will change, my feelings will change, but my praise will remain. Father, I am your child and you take care of me. I trust you when I am succeeding. I trust you when everything is going good, so I should still trust even when it’s not. I will trust you even when I feel absolutely, positively stupid. I will trust you even when I got stress coming at me from all directions. Father God, thank you for knowing what is best for me. Thank you for the details in my life. Thank you for waking me up early just to chat with me. Thank you for listening to my prayers. Thank you for everything. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

You saved my soul, did a miracle in me.

Thank You, God, that I don’t have to get it right before coming to You. Coming to You is how I get right. Only You can fix this heart of mine. Only You can heal this hurt. Only You can calm this anger. Only You can turn this grief into peace. Only You can take this sorrow and bring true joy. Only You can give this life meaning. Only You can create life. Only You can defeat death. Only You can take our pasts and give us a future. You are the literal definition of love, of hope, of truth.

Lisa Harper said: “don’t try to clean yourself up before you lean into the arms of God.” All I have to do is trust in You. I simply have to come to You. I used to think that surrendering control was scary and hard. But with each time I’ve done it, I have gotten to know Your heart more. It’s not a one and done. It’s an active choice every day. I have the opportunity and privilege to give You my life. I have the freedom to chose to follow You. And when I do, I find healing and strength. I come face-to-face with Your goodness. I am living proof that miracles happen.

Had You not held Your arms out for me, I would have become the very darkness I was hiding from. Not only would the darkness have consumed my life, I would have become the darkness. I am completely capable of the worst kind of darkness. I did not want that to be story and the only reason my story is changed is because of You, Father. You made all the difference.

Being saved doesn’t mean I’m suddenly perfect and whole. Being saved simply means I know You are the only one who can fill the hole in my life. No amount of sex, drugs, alcohol, friends, money, fame, popularity, etc. can fill that hole. And not all of those things are bad. I can try all I want to fill that hole with good, healthy things too. But the truth is it is a God-shaped hole, only You can fill.

So, here is my prayer. I pray that I tell the whole world about the good you’ve done in me. Thank you for turning my trauma into a purpose. I pray I shine only for you. I pray that through me, others can see your love and grace and kindness and mercy. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving me, no matter how much I don’t deserve it. Thank you for filling my heart with love and truth. Thank you for prayer and for your word. Thank you for the gospel. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Show me how to stay here.

Lord, we need to talk, like it’s time for one of our heart to hearts, where I’m a hot mess and You take away all the confusion. Because confusion is not of You, Lord. You are firm and consistent and make Yourself known.

I would love to say that I am the kind of woman that stays when things get rough, because I am, for everyone else. I’ll stay to help, I’ll stay to fight, I’ll stay to stand up for those who can’t. I’ll stay for others until I’ve got nothing left. Then I’ll stay to clean up the mess after the dust settles. Then I’ll stay to help repair and rebuild.

But I tend to get scared and run off if it’s something I want. The voice comes back telling me I never deserved it anyways. And, today I got an opportunity to run. The opportunity looks so appealing. It’s bright and shiny and new and even offers the comfort and familiarity of a good friend that I miss dearly. But is that opportunity from You, God? At first glance, it really seems like it. But was I just looking for a way out? Or maybe it’s an excuse to quit while I’m failing or before I even give it a chance to fail?

You tell us to give You the desires of our hearts. To trust You with them. You were the one that gave us the good thing anyways, You created that goodness specially for us. Father, I don’t want to run. I want to stay this time. Father, teach me to stay. Father, this is my hearts greatest desire: let me hold onto the goodness, let me keep it.

So, this is my prayer today. I pray that I hold onto the goodness. Father, I’m begging you to let me keep the goodness. I want to believe that I deserve the goodness, that I will take care of it and cherish it and honor it. I want to believe that you sent it for me and created me for it. Father, let the goodness show your love to the world. Father, let us serve you together. Father, let others see you through us. Father, I am surrendering my control. Father, I pray you give me my hearts desire, but even if you don’t, you are still good and I will serve you still. Father, I don’t want to force something that wasn’t meant for me, but I also don’t want to seek an excuse to leave out of fear either. Father, light the path. Make the way known to me. Show me where to go and when to stay. I don’t want to move without you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

It’s okay to take it slow, you’ll get where you’re going.

My Heavenly Father, You know me, I take things slower than most. I took an extra two years to get my driver’s license. I took an extra two years to get my college degree. I don’t rush into things. I do the research, I weigh the options. I make educated decisions. I also mess up along the way and cause major delays.

Part of it is wanting to organized and well prepared for whatever happens. Part of it, I realize is pure fear and probably a trauma response.

I’ve learned to trust and obey You above all else. I’ve learned to lean on You and not my own understanding. I’ve learned to be still and listen for Your voice. It’s a daily choice to follow You and some days I’m not so good at that.

This world is not my home. I don’t have to be safe and comfortable. I can go into the unknown and go where You lead. I can walk when I don’t see the path ahead.

I just want to passionately and enthusiastically chase You, Lord with everything I am and everything I have. I know I’m going to make mistakes. I know I’m going to self-sabotage if I get in over my head like I admit I did with grad school.

So, here is my prayer today. Thank you for always calling and reminding me to come home. Thank you for reminders of Heaven. Thank you for grace and peace and for calming the storms. Thank you for not giving up on me. I mess things up beyond repair and then still you come into my mess and pick me up and fix my heart. You meet me where I am and hold out your hand for me. You don’t yell or force me to get up. You simply hold out your hand and give me the absolute freedom to chose. I’m reminded this week especially just how much you gave for me. I know my worth because you showed me on the cross. I know I’m worth waiting for because you laid down your life for me. I know who I am because I know who you are. I know what to do because I know what you’ve already done. I know where to go because I hear your voice and see your light. I know my name is written in the book and I know where I’m ending up. This is a love story and there will be a happy ever after. Jesus, you have my whole heart for my whole life. I want to serve you with my life, my story, my love, my faith, my home, my every move and my every breath. Sometimes I get impatient and I want things my way, right this red hot minute and I try to force things. Thank you for still holding my heart even when it’s trying to leap right out of your hand. Thank you for loving me still. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.