I should feel refreshed and feeling great today. I had a full weekend filled with blessings. But instead of being appreciative of everything I have, I have been in a terrible mood all day. I complained and grumbled and fussed. I took a nap, that didn’t help. Over the weekend, I went to the Beth Moore Living Proof Conference with my church. I was filled by You the whole weekend. Then the moment I walked inside, after getting off the van, I felt like a balloon loosing all it’s air. My leg started itching from bug bites. I was too lazy to bring my luggage inside. I was reading a book that was so beautiful I cried. Denise Hunter had done it again and I just couldn’t put down Dancing With Fireflies. Real life hit hard on that drive home. I was jealous of a love story in a book. I was jealous of careers, families, husbands, people waiting on them at home. Monday, I got up with no real purpose. I came back to some packed up boxes and a desk in the garage, my little bat cave.
I should feel blessed. I should be thankful to have the opportunity to go to the conference. To hear all about wonderfully complicated families and worthwhile stressful careers and beautifully hectic schedules. To get to know them better and be so encouraged by their strength. To have a mom that planned the whole trip and invited me along. To have friends that met up with me and visited me while in town. To have parents who allow me to stay in their house and help me while I figure out what to do with my life after graduation.
Instead, I was ungrateful. I was more cranky in one day than I’ve been in the whole summer combined and I was rude to everyone that spoke to me. It was a downward spiral fun of sin. I had a plan for after graduation and it did not include sitting at a desk in a garage with a fan plugged up and a bad attitude.
Then I started to remember what we were taught this weekend. I could hear Beth Moore in my head saying: “Girl, you need to get you some wisdom.” At the conference she said: “Satan cannot keep you from getting wisdom, if you want it.” Today, I did not want it. I didn’t want anything from anyone. Then I made myself get up and do the dishes. Cleaning dishes gives me a little bit of that control I so desperately try to hold onto. But that’s just it isn’t it? Lord, I am trying to control everything. Every single thing in my life.
Lord, Beth Moore told us to ask for clarity. She told us about concealed wisdom and how You lead us to some things and we didn’t even have the sense to make that decision. Lord, I immediately thought of how I came to college in the first place. I didn’t find South Alabama on my own. Lord, You had a friend bring it to me. I didn’t even decide to go Greek either, I just did it. I firmly believe You used concealed wisdom to bring both opportunities to me. Those were two of the best things that ever happened in my life and they weren’t my decisions. I was just following the voice in my head telling me to go forward. Lord, You were guiding me and I didn’t even realize it at the time. Now I can see Your hand over every decision I made. So if I know all this and know that I should follow You, why do I still try to control everything?
Trust issues. Folly. Beth Moore said that folly indulges insecurity. I sure did have a lot of insecurity today. Everything is not going according to my plan and my way and my timing. My plan included graduating in five years, not six. My plan included starting a career, using my degree, immediately after graduation. My plan included getting married on August 20, 2016. Well… that was nine days ago for starters… Obviously my plans are not going so smoothly. But “wisdom is about God being right, not me.” The last point that Beth Moore made is “wisdom can tell what time it is.” She said: “wisdom knows when to move and when to come back.” I sure could use some wisdom, because I have no sense of direction. She said: “Ask for directions. If I take four steps forward, give me a sign if it’s folly.” At the beginning of the conference she said: “there is no place wisdom cannot show up, no crossroad.”
So, here is my prayer today. Father, I am asking for wisdom. I am at a crossroad. I am asking for direction. I started making steps in one direction, Lord. I need you to take over from here. I am giving you control. Lord, you call the shots. I am just stepping out your way. I am a flawed human, with limited sight and can only see what is right in front of me. Father, you see all of eternity and have a plan that far outreaches mine. Lord, I am asking you to show up. I am asking you to open my eyes. Lord, please forgive me. I let things into my heart today that had no business there. Lord, I pray that you guard my heart. I pray that stop letting my emotions and attitude rule me. I pray that Lord, you move me instead. I pray that I stop focusing on everything not going according to my plan and focus on all the many, many ways you have blessed me. I pray that I put you above all else. I pray that I give you everything I have, everything I am. I pray that I put my hope and my trust in you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.