I still sleep with a teddy bear. I still call my mama when something goes right or wrong. I still call my daddy when I need something. When I’m scared, I still pray. When I was growing up, my mama taught me to pray when the nightmares won’t let you sleep. She told to pray out loud and tell the devil that I am a child of Yours and tell him he isn’t welcome here. When it’s the imaginary monsters under your bed and you have a brand new faith that is bigger than the monsters, it’s easy. When the imaginary monsters become real, that’s when my faith gets tested. But the villain is still the same. And You, my God, are still bigger.
There is a quote that says: “Fill your mind with God’s word and you will have no room for satan’s lies.” I’ve been listening to the lies for far too long. All the guilt and shame and darkness and fears sound so stupid out loud. I’ve held it in for so long that I let it consume me until I could hardly breathe. I was giving my sins control over me. It felt so big when I was holding it in and the more I held onto it the more power I gave it and the bigger it got, the more it consumed me. I heard once that: “What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.” I was doing all of those things. I was worshiping my sin. I saw this picture on Pinterest and the truth is: “where sins run deep, His love runs deeper.”
Beth Moore, at the Living Proof Conference, said: “wisdom is a whirl with wonder.” She said that: “when we play the fool, we always lose.” She said: “wisdom gets us out of the house before it destroys us.” The next day she said: “wisdom knows folly can kill you.” I can hear Beth Moore telling me to get me some wisdom right now. Frank Ocean said: “whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.” I have a problem running back to things I put down at Your feet, Lord.
For a girl who craves control, I sure was giving it away. The wanting for control started long before even me. Genesis 3:16 says: Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” We were studying creation in Sunday School and I’ve heard the verse a hundred times, but never that version apparently. That word control grabbed hold of my attention and I’ve been thinking about it since. I may not have a husband yet, but I sure was giving my control away. To the wrong person. Matt Chandler said: “God has seen our unloveliness-the deep brokenness and rebellion in our hearts-and instead of withdrawing, He pursues us until the very end.”
“What God is bringing you through at this very moment is going to be the testimony that will bring somebody else though. No mess, no message.” “You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.”
So, that is my prayer today. Father, help me to give my control to you. Help me to lay aside what I’ve been carrying. I pray that I watch my thoughts. I pray that I protect my attitude. I pray that I guard my heart. I pray that I clean up my “stinking thinking.” I pray that I stop letting what I feel guide me. I pray that I have a more intentional imagination. I pray that I stop listening to the lies. I pray that stop running back to what broke me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for letting your love go deeper than my sins. I pray that I become the woman my mama taught me to be when I was a little girl. I pray that instead of hiding my mess, I use it for your glory. I pray that I pursue you. I pray that I am intentional in my walk with you. I pray that I seek you above all else. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.