I will fall if you come around.

This morning when I was getting ready, Dolly Parton stated singing Jolene on my playlist. I immediately turned it up and started jamming out.  But I’ve never really related to the lyrics. She’s asking this woman not to swoop in and steal her man. What I don’t understand is why you’re trying to keep a man that is so easily taken? Like if a man doesn’t want to be kept, he’s not going to stay. I’ve had a real hard time accepting that fact so maybe that’s how I relate to the song. Because I tend to fall for the ones who are never going to like and definitely not love me. I fight so hard for the ones who don’t want me or maybe they do, just not in the way I need them too.

I’m just gonna be honest. I don’t know if the problem is the guy for saying all these nice things and not meaning them or me for knowing they don’t mean it and for believing in every word anyways. “You’d make a good wife some day. You’re my heart. You’re the love of my life.” I don’t know if it’s because I got comfortable hearing those words so much that I actually started to believe them or if it’s because I prayed so hard for a man of intention, that this is just the devil coming after me with the complete opposite of intention. I mean, I knew when one of them said “We’d make pretty babies,” that it was a joke. But like I want kids and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have them for several reasons. And I read once that 10% of women struggle getting pregnant. So like, it’s not really funny and my fears are completely valid, but he doesn’t know my fears or struggles, so is it even fair to get upset? I don’t even know how to stand up for myself, because it was just a joke and besides I’m waiting for marriage and apparently that is a joke, in and of itself. It’s not even just one guy. It’s every one I’ve ever liked. Like they say these things, but then ask another girl out. Or one minute they say these things, but then they try to set me up with someone else. It’s a never ending roller coaster, and to be frank, I just want off. It’s not fun anymore and maybe it never was.

I guess, Lord, the point I’m trying to make is the more I pray for intention, the less I get it. The more I let fear creep in. The more I trust less. The more confused and hurt and misled I become. The whole point of praying for intention was the opposite. I feel completely vulnerable. I’m pretty sure that if someone promised to buy me the moon, I would believe them right now. I feel weak.

So, here is my prayer today. I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. I don’t know how to differentiate fact from fiction and the lies from the truth. I don’t know where to go or what to do from here. So, I’m helplessly, defenselessly, praying for strength. I’m praying for Proverbs 31:25-26 which says: Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future.She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. I pray that I am no longer susceptible to the lies and jokes. I pray I learn to handle these things with grace. I’m lifting my arms up to you and I’m making Lauren Daigle’s song my prayer today. I pray that I put my trust in you. I pray that I let go of my dreams and that I lay them down. My hands are weary. I need your rest. Lord, I need you. I’m in complete surrender. You are my strength and comfort. You are my steady hand. You are my firm foundation. The Rock on which I stand. Your ways are always higher. Your plans are always good. There’s not a place where I’ll go, you’ve not already stood. When you don’t move the mountains, I’m needing you to move. When you don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through, When you don’t give the answers. As I cry out to you I will trust, I will trust. I will trust in you. I will trust in you. I will trust in you. I will trust in you. Lord, this isn’t just about a few guys telling me things I want to believe, this is about my whole life. This is about everything. Lord, I trust in you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.