Behind this curtain there is a heart that’s hurting.

I’ve been reading The Single Woman by Mandy Hale. Last night I read the part about ending toxic relationships. This is something I’ve struggled with. I can’t seem to find the line between loving and forgiving people and letting them affect me and harm me. The line gets blurry for me between loving them and loving me. Audrey Hepburn said: “As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” I haven’t found that balance yet. I want to forgive and let go, but words haunt me. Matthew 18:21-22 says: Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. It’s no secret that my love language is words of affirmation. Carrie Underwood kinda explains what I think in her new song: Little Toy Guns. 

She’s caught in the crossfire
Puts her hands over her ears
Starts talking through her tears
She’s saying, she’s praying.

I wish words were like little toy guns
No sting, no hurt no one, Just a bang bang rollin’ off your tongue
(I wish words were like little toy guns)
No smoke, no bullets, no kick from the trigger when you pull it
No pain, no damage done
(I wish words were like little toy guns)
Just a bang bang rollin’ off your tongue
(I wish words were like little toy guns)

My whole life I thought I was the problem. I was sensitive. I was weak. I misunderstood something. I was the wrong one. I was crazy. I just over-analyze. I read too much into it. Surely I heard them wrong. Maybe this entire time it wasn’t me that was the problem. Maybe it was how others communicated with me. Maybe because of how their words affected me it taught me to be careful with my own words. Maybe there is a silver lining in the middle of all the darkness. Maybe it taught me to be more conscious of my words and guard my heart more carefully. 1 Peter 4:8 says: Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Maybe it’s what brought me to You, Lord because I was trying to fill the God shaped hole in my life with other people. Maybe where their communication lacked, ours grew. “I don’t want anything coming in between You and me. I’m holding nothing back from You.” 

So, this is my prayer today. I pray for forgiveness for my mistakes. I pray that I learn to forgive those who hurt me. I pray that I keep learning how to speak with love instead of hate. I pray that I keep learning from your love. I pray that I share your love with those around me. I pray that I let go of the hurt. In Isaiah 43:18 you said: But forget all that–it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. Lord, help me to remember all the good you’re doing for me. Lord, help me to remember that no matter happens you love me. I have trouble comprehending that sometimes, but you do love me. You created me for a purpose with a deliberate plan. You are preparing my heart for exactly what you need. You are preparing me for your glory. Lord, help me to be honest. Lord, help me open my heart for you. I pray that I learn to come to you more when I’m hurting. It’s easy for me to thank you when things are going right. I pray that I learn to let you in when things aren’t going my way. You already see my hurt, you already see behind my curtain. I just have to let you in so, you can heal my heart. You’re already in control, I just have to let you do your work in me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.