You were here.

I called my daddy after class today and he starts asking me about my day and my plans for the day. Then he starts talking about Public Relations and goes on and on about my major. I was like “waittttttttttttt a minute. That’s what I’ve been telling you for almost 4 years now. You’re telling me you were listening the whole time?” This man has infuriated me for 4 years telling me stuff and not understanding what my major is and saying all this hogwash just to get under my skin and letttttt me tell You, Lord. It worked. But You already knew that. You’ve heard my prayers.

My daddy’s response to my question was priceless. He said: “I was trying to toughen you up. I had to make sure this is really what you wanted to do with the rest of your life. If you can defend yourself and sell yourself to me then you’ll have no problem doing it for employers.” He tells me he always knew what I was capable of and what I could do. Then he ended that conversation by saying: “I’m on your team. I always have been.” Shut the front door. Ok.

Fathers show love in some weird ways sometimes.

I spent my Valentine’s Day working, but before I went to work I watched Woodlawn because I had a free credit on Redbox and I hadn’t seen it yet. I thought it was a movie about football, but it’s never just about football is it? Football is about so much more and so was that movie. The movie is about love, Your love. In the movie, the preacher reads John 3:16 which says: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. Then he says if you’re a given a gift, you don’t leave it wrapped. You open it. He said God gave you a gift why are you leaving it wrapped up?

The one question sent my mind running. Then I remembered this speech that Hannah Brencher gave when she said: “I want to fly. I want to breathe. I want to leave this place better than it left me.” I always agreed with her and wanted the same thing. I want to use my gift to make a difference. I want to use what You gave me to bring the world closer to You. I want to share Your love. I want to be a part of campaigns that change opinions and perspectives. I want to be a part of Dove’s #SpeakBeautiful or Coca-Cola’s #MakeItHappy or Gillette’s #UseYourAnd or Always’ #LikeAGirl or Verizon’s Inspire Her Mind campaign or their Powerful Answers campaign. I want to take Hannah’s speech where she told us to be present and intentional and run with it. I want to be part of the change.

In Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl, we learned about how David was handpicked by You. He didn’t look like a king. In fact, he was completely overlooked. You had a purpose for him though. You prepared him in the fields everyday. Even after You chose him, You were still preparing him in the fields every single day. He had no idea what You had planned for Him. I saw this picture on Facebook that said: “Long before Zacceaus couldn’t see Jesus that tree was already planted to meet his need.” You have been fulfilling our needs before we even realized they were needs. You chose us. You made a plan for us. You gave us gifts. You are preparing us every step of the way even when we don’t realize it or even understand what You’re doing. This girl tweeted: “How cool is it that the same God that created mountains and oceans and galaxies and puppies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you too.” 

Romans 12:6-8 says: We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

So, that is my prayer today. Thank you for being here. Thank you for creating me. Thank you for orchestrating a plan for me. Thank you giving me gifts. Thank you for preparing me. Thank you for fulfilling my needs. Lord, I pray that I use my gifts for your glory. I pray that I work as hard as I can to do what you created me for. I pray that I follow your plan. I pray that I share your love. I pray that I shine a light for you. I pray that everything I do, I do it for you. I pray that I make a difference. I pray that I leave this world a little better. I pray that I mean something for you. I pray that the hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave of your love. I pray that because I was here people will know you were here. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 

 

I’ll see you again some day.

Last night, when we went to see Mockingjay Part 1, they played like 30 minutes of previews and like 75% of the previews had movie release dates for March 15. All I could think was that was the day we found out. I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was still there. As our birthday gets closer, the worse I feel. Someone told me that this first birthday, since he left, would be the hardest. She said after this year I would be able to learn how to celebrate for the both of us, but for this one I could just feel whatever I needed to.

When I got home, I saw this video from Trent Shelton.

In the video, what got me first was when he said he was “thinking he should have prayed for you more.” I wish I would have prayed for him more. We talked all the time about the importance of prayer. When I was a kid, I would just talk to You like You were right there beside me. I would tell You everything. I prayed for everyone around me. (Sometimes, this took a while because I would literally sit there coming up with names of people I knew so I could pray for them too.) I think I lost some of that as I got older, but I’m trying to get it back this year. I think I’m learning how to pray all over again.

After Christopher left, I felt a lot of things. I felt sick (a lot). I felt regret for every single stupid thing I had ever said. I felt sadness for the people who loved him. I felt anger that he wasn’t getting the future he planned. I felt confusion and disbelief that he was really gone. I felt a whole mix of emotions I had never felt before.

This song has been replaying in my head for a couple of weeks now.

I miss him. I miss how he made me and everyone around him feel special. I miss how kind he was. I miss how I felt like he understood me. I miss our car talks. He knew just how to push my buttons. He told me one time that he knew exactly how I thought so he knew exactly what he could say to make me crazy. He knew just how to send me over-analyzing everything. He could say one thing to me and send my brain into overdrive for months. What I miss most was his relationship with You. We both had a strong foundation that we got during our childhood and could reminisce about. We were trying to hold onto that foundation and strengthen that relationship with You.

At the end of the video, Trent says he learned three things from his loved one:

1. “John 3:16” Which is: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

2. “To never live in regret, but in appreciation.”

3. “Don’t pass away with me, but keep what I believed in alive through you.” 

So, that is prayer. I pray that he is doing well in Heaven. I pray that I’ll get to see him again when I meet you. I pray for his loved ones. I pray for healing for them and for myself. I pray that I continue to lean on you. I pray that I remember to pray for those around me more. I pray that I learn to live in appreciation. I pray for forgiveness. I pray that I remember what you taught me through him. I pray that I continue to grow with you. I pray that I start showing more kindness and love to those around me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.