I will fall if you come around.

This morning when I was getting ready, Dolly Parton stated singing Jolene on my playlist. I immediately turned it up and started jamming out.  But I’ve never really related to the lyrics. She’s asking this woman not to swoop in and steal her man. What I don’t understand is why you’re trying to keep a man that is so easily taken? Like if a man doesn’t want to be kept, he’s not going to stay. I’ve had a real hard time accepting that fact so maybe that’s how I relate to the song. Because I tend to fall for the ones who are never going to like and definitely not love me. I fight so hard for the ones who don’t want me or maybe they do, just not in the way I need them too.

I’m just gonna be honest. I don’t know if the problem is the guy for saying all these nice things and not meaning them or me for knowing they don’t mean it and for believing in every word anyways. “You’d make a good wife some day. You’re my heart. You’re the love of my life.” I don’t know if it’s because I got comfortable hearing those words so much that I actually started to believe them or if it’s because I prayed so hard for a man of intention, that this is just the devil coming after me with the complete opposite of intention. I mean, I knew when one of them said “We’d make pretty babies,” that it was a joke. But like I want kids and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have them for several reasons. And I read once that 10% of women struggle getting pregnant. So like, it’s not really funny and my fears are completely valid, but he doesn’t know my fears or struggles, so is it even fair to get upset? I don’t even know how to stand up for myself, because it was just a joke and besides I’m waiting for marriage and apparently that is a joke, in and of itself. It’s not even just one guy. It’s every one I’ve ever liked. Like they say these things, but then ask another girl out. Or one minute they say these things, but then they try to set me up with someone else. It’s a never ending roller coaster, and to be frank, I just want off. It’s not fun anymore and maybe it never was.

I guess, Lord, the point I’m trying to make is the more I pray for intention, the less I get it. The more I let fear creep in. The more I trust less. The more confused and hurt and misled I become. The whole point of praying for intention was the opposite. I feel completely vulnerable. I’m pretty sure that if someone promised to buy me the moon, I would believe them right now. I feel weak.

So, here is my prayer today. I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. I don’t know how to differentiate fact from fiction and the lies from the truth. I don’t know where to go or what to do from here. So, I’m helplessly, defenselessly, praying for strength. I’m praying for Proverbs 31:25-26 which says: Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future.She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. I pray that I am no longer susceptible to the lies and jokes. I pray I learn to handle these things with grace. I’m lifting my arms up to you and I’m making Lauren Daigle’s song my prayer today. I pray that I put my trust in you. I pray that I let go of my dreams and that I lay them down. My hands are weary. I need your rest. Lord, I need you. I’m in complete surrender. You are my strength and comfort. You are my steady hand. You are my firm foundation. The Rock on which I stand. Your ways are always higher. Your plans are always good. There’s not a place where I’ll go, you’ve not already stood. When you don’t move the mountains, I’m needing you to move. When you don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through, When you don’t give the answers. As I cry out to you I will trust, I will trust. I will trust in you. I will trust in you. I will trust in you. I will trust in you. Lord, this isn’t just about a few guys telling me things I want to believe, this is about my whole life. This is about everything. Lord, I trust in you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

What if I’m just a vessel.

Don’t ask me how many cups of coffee I have had today. Don’t ask me if I ate a real meal today. Don’t ask me if I had the preferred the amount of sleep last night. Don’t ask me if I wore sweat pants or actual pants today. Don’t ask me if I’m stressed.

But do ask me if I still have motivation because the answer is yes. I have the opposite of senioritis. The closer to graduation, the more excited I am to learn.

Do ask me if I prayed over this because the answer is yes. Not just today. I have been praying over this for as long as I can remember. Psalm 116:2 says: Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I breathe! 

Do ask me when I started studying because the answer to that is practically birth. I have been reading and researching since my parents used to ground me by taking away my books and fussing at me for reading in the dark after bedtime. More specifically, I started studying for finals over a month ago. I made a day-by-day list with things to accomplish from note-cards to PowerPoint’s and assignments.

Do ask me why I’m doing all of this because the answer is for You, Lord. My degree is not for me.

“But in actuality, your degree has nothing to do with you. In fact, it’s all about Him and what he can do through you.” 

After watching this spoken word, my entire viewpoint changed. I have never been one to brag about being stressed. Instead I pretend everything is fine, until I break down. Which is just as selfish, if not more. What this video reminded me of though, is that I don’t have to pretend. I am more than fine and this isn’t about me. I forget about the people that my degree is for. I forget the people that I am going to be helping one day. My degree is for You. My degree is to serve You. My degree is bring people closer to You. My degree is glorify You. My everything is for You. My degree is how I fulfill my part in Your plan.

Do ask me why I’m blessed. I am blessed because I am Yours. I am blessed because “I am in training to love people better.” I am blessed because I have the fortunate opportunity to be able to get an education and the freedom to study.

So, that is my prayer today. Lord, I want to take myself out of the equation. Empty me of me. Fill me with you. Show the world what you can do. Use me for your glory. Use me for your plan. Use my degree, my attitude, my heart, my knowledge, my talents, my attributes, my actions, my abilities. Use my everything for you. Make my degree, the door. Make my work ethic, the key. Lord, make a vessel. Don’t let me throw away what you gave me. Lord, help me to use what I have. Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for all the opportunities I have been given. Thank you for my degree. Thank you for my university. Thank you for my professors. Thank you for the other students and faculty. Thank you for group projects and real life experience. Thank you for student loans and expensive textbooks. Thank you for online classes and desks in classrooms. Thank you for podiums and clickers. Thank you for white boards and markers. Thank you for research and technology and case studies and real world scenarios. Thank you for the workers who keep my university always gorgeous and running smoothly. Thank you for the financial aid office and student accounting people. Thank you for the secretaries and student recruitment people who got me here. Thank you for everyone who works at my university so that I can have an education. Thank you for computer labs and printers. Thank you for libraries and Starbucks on campus. Thank you for pencils and pen and highlighters and note-cards and for parents that have supplied them since preschool. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord.

Well Nashville’s Gunnar Scott won my heart again tonight. Deacon was struggling and said he felt like Charlie Brown. He said Charlie Brown kept trying to kick that football and somebody kept taking it out from under him. Then the oh sooo fabulous Gunnar Scott responds with isn’t that why everyone loves him, because no matter how many times it happens he never loses hope. Woah now. I’m gonna need a minute to go cry.

Ok I’m back. It’s all good. The bible references that we only have to have faith as small as a mustard seed. To be honest, I had to look up what mustard seeds look like because I didn’t even know how small they were. Matthew 13:31-32 says: He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.” Matthew 17:20 says: He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” All we need is just a little bit of faith in You. There is this Mexican proverb on Pinterest that says: “They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.” I want to be like that. I want to be that little mustard seed. Renee Swope said: “I want to be a woman who overcomes obstacles by tackling them in faith instead of tiptoeing around them in fear.” I want to be that kind of woman. I want to be like Charlie Brown and never give up faith, no matter how many times I fall and miss that football. I want to give it all to You, Lord. We used to sing this song in youth group allllllllll the time and I was reminded of it today.

Mark 11:22 says: And Jesus answered saying to them, “Have faith in God.” It doesn’t get simpler than that.

So, that is my prayer today. I pray that I learn from Charlie Brown. I pray that I learn to overcome obstacles by tackling them in faith. I pray that I am a seed for you. I pray that I grow for you. I pray that I lay down my sorrows, my shame, my sickness, my pain, and everything else I have. I pray that I lay down every single thing I have. Thank you for showing me things in different ways. Thank you for allowing me to lay it all down. I pray that I continue to grow closer to you. Thank you for all the joy that comes from laying everything down. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.