You feel that fire you been missin’.

It’s no secret that it’s been pretty dark recently. I’m coming out of the other side of it now and things are looking a little brighter. So, let me tell You about my day, Father, even though You already knew what happened and You were there, I know You like to hear from me. I’m trying to do a better job of talking to You more because it’s just plain nice to hear from people you love.

This week is teacher appreciation week at work, so I got spoiled yesterday. And this morning when I regretted skipping breakfast, what comes around the corner? Panera bagels for the teachers. And we both know Panera bagels are my fave.

I also had a doctor’s appointment for my physical for foster parenting classes. I was just going to come back after, but they said I could have the rest of the afternoon. So ya girl was very gracious and went wild with errands.

I usually have this little bitty issue seeing doctors and mechanics because both of them tell you something needs fixin and it’s gonna cost an arm and a leg. Not today Satan. When I go to the after hours clinic, I have to get my blood pressure checked three times because I get that pesky little “white coat” syndrome where I get all nervous. (Part of this anxiety comes from having to tell a stranger why I’m on an anxiety/depression med in the first place and having to retell my story). But not when I go to my regular doctor! They congratulate me on how good my blood pressure is. Like yass home girl is not stressed today, thank you! Then Dr. Nice Man comes in saying heyyy friend. Like yasss this is why I come here. No stress. I give updates on my life and any stress I’m facing, which recently has been a lot. But when it’s all said and done, Dr. Nice Man goes: how’d you get such a good life? Yasss fam. My answer: I am blessed. It ain’t me.

Here I am thinking of stress and Dr. Nice Man saw a good life. And it is, such a good life. I have had some dark days lately, but it’s such a good life. Thank you Father so much for that reminder. I am so blessed. So let’s continue this list of blessings today. I didn’t have to pay for the physical for some reason unbeknownst to me. I got my tag renewed and my driver’s license renewed. With. No. Line. I got my finger printing done. With. No. Line. I got my oil changed and tires rotated. And it’s Lady’s Day so I got a $5 discount. And I found my gift certificate for a free oil change (it wasn’t expired like I thought!). Thank you Express Oil Change. I got dinner with the fam. I’m half-way through book 3 of the series I’m reading. My car insurance got discounted another $5 a month today.

Did I forget to mention that Dr. Nice Man wrote at the bottom of my physical that he recommends me to become a foster parent “without reservation”? like thank You Jesus I needed that today.

And instead of moping around the house this weekend because I’m not a mom yet, I am going to be sitting beside the pool (probably finishing my You’re Going to Be Okay book that my Jesus friend sent me-she is always pointing me back to You). Things are not happening on my timeline and things are not going according to my plan, but God, You are so much better.

So, here is my prayer today. I am going to be a mom, one day, maybe not this weekend, but some day. But even if I never make it, even if I’m never a mom, You are still good. It’s still a good life. Thank you for good days and for the bad ones. Thank you for little blessings and big miracles. Thank you for being near. Thank you for creating such a beautiful world. Thank you for hugs and I love yous. Thank you for phone calls and texts checking in on me. Thank you for errands and thank you for the time to run them. Thank you for bluer skies and music on the radio to sing along to. Thank you for your word. Thank you for reminders of your love. Most importantly thank you for listening and loving me. Thank you for wanting a relationship with me. Thank you for building trust and for pursing me. Thank you for being patient with me and holding me together. Thank you for being you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Name me one of Your chosen.

I was watching an episode of Chrisley Knows Best the other day and Chrisley’s daughter said: “Daddy, you’re supposed to be gone.” To which he responds with: “Well I ain’t never gonna be gone till the Lord takes me.” I near about dropped to the floor laughing. I’ve heard my own Dad say similar a time or two…thousand. I am so thankful for a Daddy that never leaves. Now in what I like to call the dark ages, ya know those years when my eye liner was so think I looked like a raccoon, I wasn’t so appreciative of that. But that father’s love also taught me a thing or two about Your love, Lord. Just like he won’t leave, You won’t either.

No matter how many times I mess up or run from You, You have open arms for me. You’ll never leave me. On Supergirl, the superhero’s mom left her a message saying: “You will lose your way many times. What’s important is that you find your way back to the brave girl you always were. Be wise. Be strong.” First, thank you for always allowing me to come back to You and who I was meant to be. Second, that word wise. That one right there. That word. Thanks to Beth Moore and her Living Proof conference, that word means something. That word has worth in my mind. That word. Ohhh that word. Wisdom. Goodness gracious, I have needed that word this year. Now, the third thing, I only have because of the first and second thing. My strength comes You, Lord. My strength comes from Your teaching, Your guidance, Your wisdom.

So, here is my prayer today. Thank you for a Father’s love. Thank you for a Mother’s love. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your timing and that I’m never too late. Thank you for having a place for me. Thank you for having a little grace for me. Thank you for washing me in the water ’til I’m whiter than snow. Thank you for mercy for the wanderin’ soul. Thank you for meeting me with your arms wide open. Thank you for leading me down to the river. Thank you for your strength and wisdom. Thank you not giving up on me. Thank you for not leaving me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for showing me the light back to you. Thank you for leaving a trail of bread crumbs for me to follow. Thank you for naming me one of your chosen. Thank you for writing my name in the book. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for taking me back every time I leave. Thank you for teaching me how to stay. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I hold on and on and on and on and on.

It’s no secret I have had some slight issues with my car this year. I take full responsibility for last semester, but not this weekend. This time it was out of my control. First it was the belt, then the battery, then we found out the real issue: the alternator.

I am completely fine under pressure. I can handle anything thrown my way. Except that Dodge Nitro. I have no idea what that thing is doing. It is so far out of my wheel of understanding, that it is just sad and pathetic. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, until it comes to dealing with that car. I turn into a crying puddle. I immediately turn into a child and only want my daddy.

I tried to handle it myself. I took it to the mechanic. I was sitting in the waiting room when another mechanic came inside for a water and started making small talk. To be honest, I was in panic mode and couldn’t even hold the conversation. I was glad he just kept talking and I was able to just smile and nod, even though I was holding back tears. Then he started  talking about You, Lord. I started listening a whole lot harder. He said something about how the Devil comes after you when you’re weak and can take the hit. He said when you’ve got the foundation and you’ve got Jesus under you, it’s harder to take you down. That’s some deep stuff for the waiting room.

I know I have the foundation, but sometimes I don’t trust the foundation not to shake underneath me. When Hollyn and Tru sing: “Yeah man, I got issues, I can’t even lie”, I relate to that so much. I jam out to that one line more than any other. My trust issues have trust issues, but I’m trying to work on it.

Today, I was cleaning my room and starting the beginning stages of packing. Leaving college is proving to be a much harder transition than I thought for and my to-do list gets longer every day. I found this narrative essay I wrote in like the 10th grade. Why I even have this in a box of papers at college with me, is beyond me. I am a hoarder. I keep literally everything, but I got rid of an entire trash bag full of things today, so that is progress right? My little said no, that I need to get rid of about 3 or 4 bags full. Ok, so, I’m taking baby steps in my moving process.

Anyways, the narrative was about this girl who was falling in love which was pretty much what all my stories were about back then. Part of the essay was so bad, it was laughable. I mean I literally laughed out loud. The story was also about her trusting You and Your plan. She was lost and had no idea what was happening in her life and what direction her life was going. What I thought was an essay about a girl falling in love, was about her relationship with You. The story was so much bigger than what my little 16-year old self could even fathom and I had no idea how much I would relate to it now, as I am getting ready for my college graduation. Well, not the love story part because that is not even close to my life right now, but the learning to trust You part.

I relate to the girl now more than I ever thought possible back then. So, I’m gonna hold on to that story. I am gonna hold on to a little bit of the 16-year old girl who wrote the story. I am gonna hold on to the 16-year old girl who was bold enough to write down her dreams. I’m also gonna hold on to the confidence I found in college to actually share those dreams. I am gonna hold on to the foundation that I have in You. I am gonna hold on to the fact that You have carried me through all the good days and the bad. I am gonna hold on to the knowledge that I am never alone. I am gonna hold on to the relationship I’ve built with You. I’m gonna hold on to all that You have taught me and are continuing to teach me.

So, here is my prayer today. I pray that I hold on. I pray that I hold onto who I was and who I am and who I will be. I pray that I hold on to my family and my loved ones. I pray that I hold on to my foundation in you. I pray that I hold on to the things I believe in. I pray that I hold on to that story. I pray that I continue to write that story. I pray that I finish that story. I pray that I hold on to my dreams even when they change. I pray that I hold on to trust in you. I pray that I hold on to you. I pray that I hold on to the words written in red. I pray that I hold on to your teachings. I pray that I hold on to your lessons. I pray that I hold on to my faith. I pray that I hold on to everything that brings me closer to you. I pray that I hold on to everything I’ve learned in college. I pray that I hold on to the friendships made and memories shared here. I pray that I hold on to the dreams we made. I pray that I keep moving forward even when I don’t know the direction. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I’m gonna get there someday.

I keep getting told that I’m in the “in between” stage. I have so many goals and dreams that I feel like are at the tip of my fingers, but they seem to be just out of reach. I am just not quite there yet. I haven’t graduated yet. I haven’t started my career. I don’t have a place of my own yet. I’m so focused on the next stage. (I literally have every room of my future house completely decorated on Pinterest!) As much as I love college, I am ready for some stability. I am ready to have an actual home. I want to live in one place for more than six months without moving. I want furniture that is not built into the room. I want to be able to take a bath with some candles burning. I want to be able to watch Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel, which we do not have here. I want a white house with blue shutters and a red front door. I want a porch to wrap all the way around. I want a big yard with trees. I want my dog!!! I totally wouldn’t mind if that house was on a lake either.

So, tonight when I was trying to fall asleep, my mind was running all over the place. I thought something touched my ear, pretty sure it was my blanket. I kinda jumped because I was half asleep. I leave Pandora on when I sleep and this was the song playing.

I can’t explain it. I just felt like I should pay attention to the song so I turned the music up a little louder and listened. I’m glad I did because it seemed to be just what I needed to hear.

So, that’s my prayer today. I pray that I continue to listen to you. I pray that I continue to receive your lessons. I pray that I lean on you. I pray that I remember that it’s your timing. I pray that I trust your plan. I pray that I remember “I’m gonna get there someday.” I pray that I try not to rush the future. Thank you for the many ways I’m blessed. Thank you giving me things to work for. I pray that I keep working as hard as I can to reach my goals and to bring others to you.  I pray that I make you proud. I pray that I learn to be content. I pray that I realize I am right where I am supposed to be, for now. I pray that I am more appreciative of what I have in this moment. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.