My heart, my soul, Lord I give You control.

Today, I was watching yet another repeat episode of Gossip Girl. Blair is clearly my favorite character. (And it’s not just because of her love for headbands!) One of Blair’s biggest fears on the show is being seen as weak. The funny thing is the reason I watch the show is because of her strength. It’s the same reason my favorite Disney Princesses are Pocahontas and Belle, they’re strong and brave. She is literally one of the most forgiving characters like ever. She will also fight with every fiber of her being for the people she loves. Now I don’t necessarily understand some of her methods, but it’s TV so, of course it’s dramatic. What struck a nerve today was a conversation she had with her mom, Eleanor, on the show. Which went like this:

Blair: “What I want is to be a powerful woman, but whenever Chuck is around, I just feel like a weak little girl.”

Eleanor: “I shut myself for a long time after your father left. I was cold and hard then I met Cyrus and he taught me that sometimes you have to allow yourself to be weak in order to grow stronger.”

Blair: “Well, that sounds good, but it feels terrible.”

Eleanor: “You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman.”

Now, while Blair’s issue might be with her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Chuck. Mine is a little different, but I appreciated Eleanor’s words all the same. I think inside of me, there is a little girl just wanting to feel safe. I crave it. My want for safety and security, is exactly what makes me vulnerable though. It doesn’t take much to make the ground underneath me shaky. Part of me doesn’t like that about myself. The more I grow up, part of me wants to be strong and independent.

There is also that part of me that’s a little girl clinging to the cross with all the faith she can muster up. I quite like that girl. I’ve started to see the strength in that little girl. Sometimes the ground will shake. Sometimes the mountains will rumble. Sometimes the storms rage. The cross is unchangeable, unmovable. Through it all, You’re constant. I am strong because I am weak. I am strong because You are powerful. That little girl that ran and told her mama that she wanted to dedicate her life to You and walked down that isle in church is still inside of me. She is growing into a woman that wants to continue that commitment she made. I want to live my life for You, Lord. I want to be a reflection of You and the love You have so gracefully shown me.

Lysa TerKeurst posted today: “Love can empower me to feel hurt without becoming a person consumed by that hurt… I can feel offended, but I don’t have to be offended. I can feel insecure, but I don’t have to act insecure. I can feel angry, but I don’t have to respond in anger. That’s the choice love makes. I have to give myself permission to be honest about my feelings. But I don’t have to compound the hurt by reacting out of those feelings. Let’s allow God’s love to take us by the hand and empower us in every situation where we don’t know what to do.” 

So, here is my prayer today. I pray that I never lose that little girl inside me and the faith she found in the 2nd grade. I pray that I continue to cling to the cross with all the faith I can muster up. I pray that I continue to see your strength in my weakness. I pray that while I feel afraid, I don’t respond out of fear. I pray that your love continues to empower me. I pray that while I don’t know what to do, I am thankful you do. I pray that I take Lysa’s words and Hillsong’s lyrics with me. I thank you that your light will shine when all else fades. I pray that you consume me from the inside out, Lord. I pray that I love you from the inside out. I pray your will above all else. I pray that my purpose remains. I pray that I continue to seek you. I pray that I surrender all that I am and all that I have at the feet of the cross. I pray that I make the choice to react to everything in your love. I pray that I put my life in your hands. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

And loves me like Jesus does.

Part 7 of the How to be Awesome series is “If you want to see different results, do things differently.”

In the video, she asks us what is something we would like to see improve about ourselves. (I know these people aren’t perfect. No human being is, but these people have qualities I admire.) So, since I love lists so much, here is mine:

1. I want a confidence like Blair Waldorf and still have that vulnerability and feminism. I wanna fight for love as hard as she does. (Plus she rocks some really pretty hair and she’s totally why I started wearing headbands and bows in my hair. Having her wardrobe wouldn’t hurt either!)

2. I want a heart like Miranda Lambert. I wanna stand up for myself and for others like she does too. (I totally wouldn’t mind that new bed and breakfast she just opened too! That place is gorgeous! Her wedding looked pretty stinkin perfect too. Plus Blake Shelton is pretty adorable.)

3. I want to have class, sophistication, and grace like Kate Middleton.

4. I want to inspire others and praise You the way that Britt Nicole does.

5. I want to live my values like Jamie Grace. (I could totally rock her cowboy boot collection too!)

6. I want to be fearless and a pioneer like Kimberly Perry. (I would love to whip my hair around like she does too!)

7. I want to feel completely content being exactly who I am like Taylor Swift.

8. I want to have Reba’s family values. (Plus her hair always has that perfect southern volume.)

9. I want to basically want be Eric Church’s wife. The songs he sings about her: Like Jesus Does, You Make it Look Easy, and A Man Who Was Gonna Die Young. (My heart just swoons with every lyric!)

“I’m a long-gone Waylon song on vinyl,
I’m a back row sinner at a tent revival,
But she believes in me like she believes her Bible,
And loves me like Jesus does.”

10. I want to have strength like in She Don’t Tell Me to by Montgomery Gentry.

11. I want to be the girl in Me and God Love Her by Toby Keith.

12. I want a voice and charm like RaeLynn. (Clearly I am never going to be able to sing like her, but she’s just absolutely adorable and completely southern.)

So, this is my prayer today. I pray that I always strive to be better. I pray that I realize perfection is not going to happen but that I keep growing. I pray that I keep learning from others. I pray that I keep pushing myself. I pray that I get closer to you. I pray that you keep guiding me and challenging me. I pray that I become the woman that you created me to be. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.