Ok, God, lemme be real honest for a minute. I was gonna dance around it and be vague, but let’s just call it like it is. When I started this foster parent journey as a single woman, I had no idea how much more it would make me want a man in my life. I mean, of course I wanted to get married eventually, but let’s be real, I was content and comfortable, for the most part. Foster parenting made me want some help, something fierce. I mean, I have a great support system in my family, but having someone in my home with me, making day-to-day decisions with me would just be super helpful. Someone to back me up, support me, and to also pull me to the side to say: hey, you gotta take five and chill, I got this.
Just continuing this super honesty moment, I am good on the cooking and cleaning a house by myself. I’ve always done that, cleaning refills me, and I’m getting much better at the cooking. I am good at taking care of the kids and teaching. I enjoy those things immensely. What I want is someone who wants to foster with me, no matter how hard it is and how much trouble and drama it brings with it. What I want is someone to walk the line with me and talk to God with me. What I want is someone who will show up with me. What I want is someone to validate me when the kid is telling me I’m a crappy foster mama, even though I know the kid doesn’t mean it. What I want is someone to lead me spiritually and point me back to the cross, when I get frazzled. What I want is someone to hug me every now and again, just so I feel safe for a minute. I signed up for this. I took the classes. I did the research. I studied. I prepared. I prayed. I sought out spiritual guidance. I knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought…
The truth is, raising kids is flat out hard, especially alone. Father, don’t get me wrong, I loveeee these kids and it is so beyond worth every heart break. But I could use a little help. I can’t do this on my own. It takes a whole village. I had no idea, the impact it would have on my village either. My village has taken some heavy hits, I was not at all prepared for. I didn’t know the hurt I was also signing my village up for.
Anyways, long story short, I started trying to date. And boy howdy, did that flop. I thought I was talking to a good man. I mean ya girl felt things she ain’t never felt for a man before. Ya girl keeps people at arm’s length so she don’t feel anything so she can’t get hurt. But ya girl fell, hard. But then he didn’t want to meet, so I started getting worried because I wanted a relationship with him and not a phone. A couple months went by, I got defensive and pushed, he pushed back. That was that. Next, there was one promising me everything I ever wanted, even talked about actually going to church with me and he was going to devotion on his own. But that ended quick when he wanted me to email some guy about giving him money. Like woah, back up here. Red Flags went soaring. Ya girl reported and decided she was DONE.
Trying to find a relationship on my own, was no fun at all. I got hurt and then I got played like a fiddle. I decided that me forcing things was obviously not the way to go. This was just unnecessary drama that was not helping me at all. I have been praying for that husband of mine, my whole life, whoever and wherever he is. But I decided I wasn’t even gonna pray for a husband anymore. I decided to bow out and flat out give up.
Not even two weeks later, I posted this quote to my Facebook story: “Sometimes I feel like I pray too much and that’ll annoy God. But then I think, ‘I’d rather get to Heaven and have Jesus say, now there’s a familiar voice than have Him say it’s nice to finally here from you.'” I thought I was being funny because of my obnoxious praying for a husband prayers. Like it was some inside joke between me and You, God. Someone responded to it by sending me a sermon from TD Jakes called Bother Me. Jeezeeee it stirred my soul. Called me out by name too. I sat there thinking, why You gotta do me like that? I was DONE. Now, You’re saying come bother me? You got jokes God. My stubborn head was saying: Lord, I already quit, if You want something to happen this time, You do it, You make it happen, You open the doors. Then this quiet voice goes: finally, my child. Like this whole time, You just wanted me to give up control and stop forcing things. Which I knew in my heart was what You wanted this whole time, but I was too stubborn to surrender.
So, here is my prayer today. Lord, whatever you got going on in my life, count me in. Whether it’s to be single, count me in. Whether it’s to get married tomorrow, count me in. Whether it’s to wait 28 more years, count me in. Whether it’s to continue fostering or not, count me in. Whether it’s to keep serving in the kid’s ministry at my church or not, count me in. Whether it’s to upend my whole entire life or not, count me in. Lord, interrupt my life again and again. Invade my comfort zone. Push me farther than I think I am capable. Whatever your will, whatever your way, whatever the path, whatever you choose, count me in. Abba, I make foolish mistakes and choices on my own. I don’t want to make anymore choices without surrendering first. I am so used to surrendering after I’ve tried it my way first. I don’t want to do that anymore. Lord, fix it, fix this stubborn heart of mine. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.