You called my name and I ran out of that grave.

Ohhh, bless my soul. The message at Church tonight was on point. The preacher talked about the prayer in the garden in Matthew 26. He talked about the way of the cross. He started with the way of the cross came with solitude. Then he moved into the way of the cross came with no support. Then that last point packed a punch. The way of the cross came with the weight of sin and sorrow.

Lord, there is no equal to You. Jesus, You are the only way. Father, You are the only grace.

When I get multiple days off from work, I go back to this rental house and that house just sucks the life right out of me. I literally go lay down and I don’t get out again until it’s time for work. I go through the motions some and try to get out. When I get out, I can be productive. It’s almost like learning to breathe again the moment I leave that house. The moment I leave I feel free.

I want to go home. I am tired of looking at boxes that I can’t unpack or clean up. I am tired of not having my bed or my blankets or my pillows. I am tired of wanting something I own, but it’s in storage. I am just exhausted by this rental and every single time I get frustrated by it, it seems the move-in date gets pushed back even further away. Obviously, there is something I still need to learn here that I am being too stubborn to receive.

Father, my pride gets all in my way. I am my own worst enemy. I think I have to do everything alone. I think I can’t ask for help and when I do, I feel weak. Sometimes I don’t even know what would help. I want my Genesis helper, and I want to be someone’s Genesis helper. I carry all the weight of the world. Some days, I completely zone out. I am learning that singing worship music out loud helps pull me back into reality though. Focusing on the cross and not what’s around me, pulls me back.

Jesus, when You needed the disciples, they literally fell asleep on their job. Just like I am when I’m at the rental. When I leave the house, I am studying your word at Panera, I am in fellowship or counseling, I am doing kingdom work. But when I am at that rental, I am asleep on the job. You are literally calling my name and I am asleep. The preacher told us that our prayer life is our Christianity.

So, that is my prayer today. I pray that I stop sleeping on the job. Lord, I pray that I remember that you already did the heavy lifting. I pray that I remember what the cross means. I pray that I remember that you already carried this weight. I pray that I remember the cost you paid. Father, thank you for the cross. Thank you for the way of the cross. Thank you for all the cross means. I pray that I stop carrying this shame and guilt. I pray that I start living all of my life for you and not just half of it. Father, I ask forgiveness for living in my sin and shame. I’m sorry for only putting on that spiritual armor some days. Father, thank you for pulling me out of that grave. I pray that I keep running to your light. Thank you for making me new each day. Lord, thank you for not letting me continue to live that way. Thank you for showing me the light. Thank you for allowing me to come to you. Thank you for meeting me there and covering me. Thank you for cleaning this heart of mine. Thank you for doing the deep cleaning. Thank you for being the ultimate image of love. Thank you for the freedom to choose you. Thank you for rescuing me. I pray that I spend more time with you. I pray that my prayer life only gets stronger. I pray that I put my spiritual armor on every single day. Father, you have equipped me with all the tools, it’s high time I start using them. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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