Yesterday, as I walked into church, I prayed speak to me, God. And boy did You listen to me Lord. You had that preacher literally point to me and grab my attention. He said something along the lines of: young people and I know you just graduated (literally pointing at me) and I don’t know where you’re lives are taking you but I hope you stay in the house of the Lord. I don’t have the exact words the pastor said because You know me, I wasn’t ready for the personal attention. I near about bolted from my seat. I asked for You to speak to me and I sure got what I asked for. And it was just what I needed.
I scrambled to write this after the service on a piece of paper that I found in my mom’s bible that says: “You will not see Him, unless you are looking.” I needed that too.
It’s no secret that I’m a emotional wreck lately. I mean it’s been a total roller coaster of highs and lows. Graduation was definitely a high, but saying good bye to the life I’ve built in Mobile was harder than I thought possible. Part of my heart is here. Part of it is in Mobile. Moving is always rough and I am not transitioning well. I feel stuck. I feel like I’m moving backwards instead of forward. My family keeps telling me that this is just temporary and things will turn around, but it just feels so permanent. I feel like I am drowning in anxiety. It feels like everything I do is wrong. I worked so hard to be a better person and learn from my mistakes and to grow, but it feels like I’m in high school again. I am repeating old mistakes and falling into old habits.
I feel trapped, but I also want to be here. I want to be here surrounded by family. I want to be near the friends I haven’t seen in years. My parents moved into this house when I was a senior in high school so, I only lived here a year before I left. It never felt like home when I came for winter and summer break during college because I wasn’t familiar with this house. Even though this house felt foreign I would miss this stinkin house when I was away. I would miss sitting at the dining room table and watching Hallmark movies in the den. I definitely missed the people inside that house that always make it feel like home. And we live out in the middle of nowhere so, I am using literally five times the amount of gas as I did in Mobile. Dad gum those stars at night that I see out here are worth every single penny though.
Wanna talk about a conflicted heart. Mine is literally ripping in two. I want both. I need Mobile and I need Harpersville. No matter where I am though, I am missing someone and hurting someone. It’s a tough job being loved so much. Goodness gracious, I sound crazy. I am literally complaining about being loved too much and loving too much. I’m upset because I’m blessed to have two places to call home. Praying always changes my heart and Lord, I needed it today.
So, this is my prayer today. Lord, change my heart. Help me to love like you love. I want to want what you want. Help me see what you’re trying to show me. Help me to look for you. I pray that I focus on the love I’m surrounded by. I pray that I see the love around me. I pray that those not around me know my love is still with them too. I pray that I hold onto both parts of my life. I pray that I hold onto both parts of who I am. I pray that I stay in your house no matter where I’m living. I pray that break old habits. I pray that I bring the maturity and attitude and strength I had in Mobile, here. I pray that I’m nicer to my parents when I get frustrated. I pray that I react more like you, Lord. I pray that I see the difference between being stuck and being held. Lord, hold my heart. I pray that when the waves begin to build, that you hold me in your hand. I pray that you hold me still. I pray that my ground is stable. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.