Ok. Lord. Every time I think I’m figuring it out and moving forward, something pulls me backwards. I think You are leading me in one direction and then a complete 180 degree change to the other direction happens. I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’m throwing my hands up. The more I try to make sense of this life, the more confused I get. I have no earthly clue what You want me to do. I try to make plans and figure it out and every plan I make falls through or changes and we both know I’m not so good with change.
I went to lunch with my person on Wednesday and she gave me a copy of her morning devotion and boyyyyy did I need it. The scripture on the paper was Matthew 6:34 which says: Don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. The end of the devotion says: “Leave these worries and heartaches in the sovereign hands of the One who created the heavens and the earth. Trust Him with the future, and accept your daily bread today with open hands and a childlike heart.”
Ok. So, I could make a list of all the things I need to accomplish tomorrow, which thanks to that lovely burnt rubber smell coming my car tonight, just got longer. But instead, I am going to make a list of things that went right today.
- I woke up early this morning, got coffee with my little, and knocked out some more of our project.
- Today is exactly two weeks to graduation.
- I had time for an hour nap before going to work.
- My sister ordered me a new bathing suit for the beach.
- The people I work with are pretty great.
- Afterwards, I got some quality bonding time with my roommate and little. All while benefiting the Alpha Gamma Delta Foundation with some frozen yogurt at Chill.
- Hilary Scott’s new single was released today and I got all the feels.
The closer to May 7th I get, the more I think about all that I have survived since starting college. Sometimes, I don’t understand Your plan. Sometimes, I was so lost I didn’t know if I would ever find my way back. Sometimes, I was so sad I couldn’t move. Sometimes, I was so anxious I pushed people away. Sometimes, I was hurting. But sometimes, I felt more joy and love than I ever thought possible. Sometimes, I was blessed more than humanly possible. No matter what I was feeling, You were there. I heard someone on the radio yesterday say that is what sets Christians apart. The knowledge that You are always there. Part of me was in complete awe of You because You never left me. Not through the pain or sorrow or heartache or trials or fear or love or joy or any of it. The other part of me realized how empty some must feel because they don’t have that peace. Some people will search their whole lives, for what they will only find in You. You complete me, Lord. No one else. You are the missing piece in our lives. You are what makes the empty places, whole.
There is this quote that says: “When it is all finished, you will discover it was never random.” Lord, You have a purpose for everything. You have a reason for every single thing that happens. Nothing is by accident. Nothing is coincidental. Nothing is random. Nothing happens without Your prior approval and planning. When bad things happen, my first question is why. I start pointing the finger and assigning blame. If nothing else, college taught me that was the wrong question. That question only shows my narrow view. I can only see what is right in front of me. I can’t see beyond my own two feet. Lord, I can only see my 5-10 year plan, but You created an eternity plan. Your ways are not my ways. Your ways are so good. Your ways are so right. Your ways are so just.
In the interview about her new single, Hillary Scott said she wanted people to find their own stories in the song before she shared hers. Well this is mine. Two years ago, I asked You why bad things happen, why things fall apart, why people are taken too young and too soon, why people suffer. I had a lot of questions. Then a year later, I found out those were the wrong questions. I read a book that said we should be asking, what are we gonna do with it now. I realized I had already found the answer to that question before I even asked it. I started praying. Two years ago, when my entire world shifted. A lot of things were taken really fast. A lot of things were thrown at me and I was grasping at straws trying to keep myself together. What I found was, when I let go of me, I found You. When I let go of the pain, I found You. When I let go of the questions, I found answers. Lord, I found peace. I found strength.
So, that is my prayer today. I wanna start with the prayer from the devotion. “Lord, I have so many worries about the future, so many things that are causing my heart to ache. Help me to leave these fears in your hands and to trust you with them. I want to be filled with your joy and peace in this day. Give me the right perspective.” Thank you for all the good in today. Thank you for the peace I have in you. Thank you for friends that think of me when they read their devotion books in the mornings. Thank you for friends who keep me in their prayers. I pray for them too. I pray thy will be done. I pray that instead of trying to understand your plan, that I trust in you. I pray that I stop looking forward and focus on today. Thank you for your plans. Thank you for your ways. Thank you for all that you are. Thank you for teaching me, for guiding me, for leading me. Thank you for allowing me to see your hand in the world around me. Thank you for songs that show me your love in new ways. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.