Well, it’s Friday. We know what that means: Girl Meets World left me in tears again. Seriously, I’m hooked every single second. I knew this week’s episode was gonna tackle the topic of faith and belief in You. I was extremely excited. What I wasn’t prepared for was the topic of grief to come up. Auggie’s parents asked him if he was praying under his blanket. He said no and explained he prays in the bathtub, mostly to not be sucked down the drain. He said he was talking to his friend that had died, he didn’t want her to be lonely. Then his parents explained to him that she wasn’t lonely because she was in Heaven. Well, Auggie is a sweet little kid, but one thing that struck me was how I related to him. I pray to You when I’m scared of being sucked down the drain. I should pray more like Riley does, for every moment of the day, not just the bad ones. I should pray like Maya has started to, for everyone around her. Lysa Terkhearst said: “Calling on the name of Jesus shouldn’t be our last resort. It should be our first response.”
Later on the show, they explained You like how someone can click one button and see all your history on the computer, that’s how You see us. The difference is, on the computer I can delete that history and it doesn’t show the future. That list isn’t complete. Your view is complete. You see everything. Past, present, and future. We don’t get to hide things or delete them. I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in the details You created. It’s no coincidence that I turned the TV to watch the episode instead of going right to sleep. You knew there was something I needed to hear. Just like every Sunday in church, there is something taught or something we sing that I needed. That is not my sole purpose in attending church. I think we should be going to worship You and give to You. We should lay it all at the cross, but I believe the other part of that is You want to fill our spirit’s with Your love. You’re speaking to us everyday, if we just open our hearts and listen. I believe it should be a constant flow of being filled by You and giving it all to You. Just like every time I open my bible, there is a verse I needed. Just like the people that are in my life are not random. Just like the college I attend is not a mistake. There are no accidents. There is divine intervention and planning. You are literally guiding every moment of my life. Even when I’m lost. Even when I’m running from You. Even when I’m tired and hurting. Even when I’m scared. Even when my grief consumes my every thought.
I think what always gets me the most is the future I built in my head for him that will never be a reality. We had endless talks about our futures. He had all these big beautiful plans. I could picture it perfectly. As my own graduation nears, I can only think of the one he’ll never have. I read an article, An Open Letter To My Friend In Heaven, and she was feeling some of the same things I’ve felt in the last 609 days without him. I went through the usual stages of denial, anger, and depression. She talked about regret which, I definitely have some of my own. I regret a lot of things including that camping and fishing trip we never took but always planned to. Homecoming is especially rough for me. My Timehop fills with pictures. I don’t even open the app sometimes because it’s just too hard. She talked about how much the holidays sting and I completely relate to that. I miss our phone calls talking about all our town’s gossip and our families. Our birthday is 13 days away now and the closer it gets, the more I think of him.
The line of her article that got me the most was: “While it got darker at first, those of us who knew you learned to shine light in the same way that you did.” I have watched those around me that knew him and watched them change and grow and share his light. I watched them become kinder and more loving. He had a way of making everyone feel special and loved. I watched them share that with everyone around them. I watched them become stronger than I ever thought possible. I watched them lean on each other and support each other. I watched them reach for their dreams and plan big, bright futures because that’s exactly what he would want them to do.
Lord, You have a plan for our lives. Not even death can hinder Your plan.
So, that is my prayer today. I pray that I pray more. I pray that I pray for every moment. I pray that I pray for everyone I come into contact with and for those I haven’t met. Thank you for all the details in my life. Thank you for consuming me. Thank you for filling me with your love. Thank you for filling my life. Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for creating a path. Thank you for knowing all of me. Thank you for still loving me despite knowing all of me. Thank you for loving me when I don’t deserve it. Thank you for allowing us to share what Christopher taught us. I pray that I shine your light everywhere I go. Thank you for the promise of Heaven. Thank you for your grace and mercy. I pray that I lay everything down at your feet and at the cross. I pray that nothing comes between us. I pray that nothing is holding me back from you. I pray that instead of running from you, that I run to you. I pray that I listen when you speak. I pray that I see what you’re showing me. I pray that my eyes, ears, and heart remain open for you. I pray that where my plans fall apart, yours will always come together. I pray that you continue to amaze me with the details you create. Thank you for holding me together. Thank you for your healing. Thank you for making me whole. I pray that I give it all to you. Literally everything I have. All that I am. Everything. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.