You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same.

Two years ago today was the first game of the season and I stood cheering on the Jags with all my might, next to Christopher and Dallas. Everything was completely perfect. How does that day feel like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at the same time? I feel like a completely different person and I feel like that same girl standing there all at the same time. My life was changed for the better because I knew him. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe he is gone.

jaguar game

Psalm 139:23 says: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. So, here are my thoughts; here is my open, vulnerable heart: I miss him. I miss him every time I say something patriotic because I know he would be calling me Merica. I miss him every time I hear something about politics. I miss him every time it rains and I’m reminded of Your promises, Lord. To be honest, sometimes I’m still mad that he’s gone. I’m mad that I’m getting ready for my graduation and he won’t have one of his own. I’m mad that I am deciding which path to take after graduation and he’s not. I’m mad because I am so uncertain about my future and the fact that he would be so completely certain. So, today, I am admitting I am weak. Lord, I need You. I am angry. I am hurt. I am lost. I have 152 questions about my future. I have 152 questions about what I’m doing this week. I am completely unsure of this week, much less 6 months from now. I have no idea when my car is going to get out of the shop. There is like a million things on my to-do list that I’m not even positive I can finish this to-do list by the end of the week. I most definitely have no idea what I’m going to do after graduation. I could spiral into a whirl wind of uncertainty, but I won’t because of something that Corrie Ten Boom said: “There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” Lord, no matter how uncertain I am, You will never leave me. You have shown me that time and time again. There is a picture that says You loved us at our darkest, then it lists Romans 5:8, which says: but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Paul Washer said: “I have given God countless reasons not to love me. None of them has been strong enough to change Him.” Your love has most definitely changed me though. Your love has changed the way I see things, how I touch things, how I feel things. Your love has changed everything down to the way I breathe.

I am completely sure that You have me. I trust You with every fiber of my being. On Pinterest, it says: “Worship will get you through the roughest times in your life, because it shifts your focus from the problem to the problem solver.” 

Gary A. Haugen said: “The God of Light, in whom there is no darkness at all, is yearning for us to charge the darkness, to be bearers of light in the darkest places.”

So, that is my prayer today. Lord, I need you. I pray that I shift my focus from my problems to you. I pray that I look to you. I pray that I run to you. I pray that you search my heart. I pray that you keep finding me, no matter how far I dig that pit. I pray that I stop asking questions and listen for your answers. I pray that you keep surrounding me with your love. I pray that I not only keep seeing it, but that I share your love with everyone around me. Thank you for loving me at my darkest, my brightest, and every moment in between. I pray that I share your light with the world. I pray that I charge the darkness. I pray that I learn to bear the light. I pray that I learn to seek the light. Thank you for changing me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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