To be honest, I spent most of my day wallowing. I laid around the house watching Netflix. I watched Parenthood because I knew it would make me cry and I needed a good cry. I’m on season 1 and Adam is teaching his daughter an important lesson. He said “…asking you to do this is being on your side, in a bigger way. Haddie, you can’t go through life allowing your pain to dictate how you behave. It’s easy to sit here in your bedroom and wallow in your hurt feelings. It’s hard to rise above it.”
When I started high school, I made a decision to change my life. I didn’t like who I was or who I surrounded myself with. I didn’t like my reaction to the things happening to me. Middle school is rough. Period. But I decided high school was going to be a clean slate and I was starting over. The next four years I tried to become a person I wanted to be and a person that I was proud of. I accomplished that. I changed my entire life, every single aspect. I was still me, I was just constantly trying to be better and grow. For high school, it took one day to change everything.
For college, it wasn’t so easy. I had to make that decision to be better practically every single day. I had to shake things up and learn and grow every single day. I always thought that first day of high school was my fight song. It was me, picking myself up by the bootstraps and moving forward and not looking back. The truth is, college was my fight song. I have learned something new every single day. That first day of high school was just the first step to a lifelong battle. I am working to become the person You created me to be. I want to fulfill the purpose You created me for. You created me for a specific reason with a specific plan. I am not an accident. I am not a mistake. I won’t apologize for who I am anymore. I have been doing it my whole life. I have been apologizing for everything since I was a kid. Somewhere along the way, I got it in my head that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t fast enough, or strong enough, or smart enough, or nice enough, or pretty enough, or brave enough, or respected enough. Sometimes I even practically beg for people to validate me. The truth is that puts unfair expectations on them that they will never be able to fulfill. I may not ever be enough for some people. I might always come up short. (sometimes literally.) But You created enough of me to do what You needed. I am no longer concerned with filling some kind of box or checking off some kind of list for other people. You made me just the way I am for Your plan. I am still working to better and still growing, but in college my motives changed. In high school, it was to make me happy. I followed You, but I wasn’t living for You. In college, I found out I wasn’t the center of the universe. I found out that maybe I didn’t know it all, after all. In college I chose to fight everyday, but it wasn’t for me anymore. I fight because Your power is turned on, not mine.
So, this is my prayer today and every day. I pray this is my fight song. I pray this is my take back my life song. I pray this is my prove I’m alright song. I pray your power’s turned on. I pray that starting right now I’ll be strong. I pray this is my anthem today and every day. I pray that I fight. I pray that I still got a lot of fight left in me. I pray that I keep learning to live for you. I pray that I stop letting my pain dictate my behavior. I pray that you dictate my behavior. I pray that I listen for you and listen for your teaching and for your words. I pray that I keep growing and learning. I pray that I keep striving to be better. I pray that I keep fighting for those around me too. I pray that my heart only grows. I pray that I love more. I pray that keep my hand reaching out for those around me. I pray that I lead both of us closer to you. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.