I have been thinking a lot lately about what kind of relationship I want to have. I have been thinking about what kind of life and future I want to build. To be honest, it’s hard to comprehend love. For the longest time I wanted passion. I wanted someone who wanted me and couldn’t live without me. I wanted those tragic love stories where despite everything they still found each other. I wanted a Nicholas Sparks novel. I knew that with passion came pain. I was totally ready for that tragic kind of love story. I wanted a love story that was completely doomed from the beginning, but somehow love won.
While I still believe that love will always win. I want a different kind of love now. Passion is defined as “strong and barely controllable emotion.” I was talking to my person about passion and how I was realizing that it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. She said that passion was just a pretty word for drama. I couldn’t agree more. With passion comes anxiety. With passion comes a roller coaster of ups and downs. With passion comes a push and pull of emotions. Passion brings uncertainty and guessing games and confusion. In The Single Woman by Mandy Hale, she says: “Love shouldn’t require Windex to be clear. It either is or it isn’t.” Passion bring manipulation and hurt. Passion is limiting.
I want an intentional love. Intentional means “deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, planned, meant, studied, knowing, willful, purposeful, done on purpose, premeditated, preplanned, and preconceived.” I want all of that. I want deliberate and clear actions. I want calculated attention to his words. I want conscious consideration to my feelings. I want intended designed plans for our future. I want planned consideration for my well being. I want meant to be and to be of precise and definite importance to someone. I want studied interest in who I am. I want knowing understanding of my needs. I want willful determination to make our dreams reality. I want a purposeful life. I want him to do things on purpose with respect for my worth and my time. I want him to do things with a premeditated plan. I want him to lead me with a preplanned and preprayed course of action. I want him to have the preconceived notion that love always win. I want intentional love.
No, I don’t think love is perfect. I do think it shouldn’t have to hurt. Mandy Hale also wrote: “Do you know the wonderful, beautiful thing that happens when you rid yourself of people who don’t see your worth? You make space in your life for all the glorious people you deserve.” I think love should make you feel secure and safe. I think the person you’re with should feel like home. I think love should be giving and mean taking care of each other. I think love should make you feel content. I used to think content meant settling. It always sounded like a bad thing, but the definition of content is “in a state of peaceful happiness.” My dad told me today that I wanted a sensitive guy. He meant it as a joke, but I responded with that’s exactly what I want. Sensitive is “having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others’ feelings.” I want someone to have a delicate appreciation of my feelings because that is exactly what I would do for him.
So, this is my prayer. I pray that he is intentional. I pray that he is sensitive. I pray that he is strong. I pray that he is kind. I pray that is gentle. I pray that he is tough. I pray that he is respectful. I pray that he is deliberate. I pray that you give him a purpose. I pray that you lead him so, he can lead me. I pray that whoever he is and where ever he is, that he has a good day. I pray that you watch over him and protect him. I pray that you keep him safe. I pray that you use him for your glory. I pray that you bring us to each other in your own way and in your time. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.