Last night, when we went to see Mockingjay Part 1, they played like 30 minutes of previews and like 75% of the previews had movie release dates for March 15. All I could think was that was the day we found out. I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was still there. As our birthday gets closer, the worse I feel. Someone told me that this first birthday, since he left, would be the hardest. She said after this year I would be able to learn how to celebrate for the both of us, but for this one I could just feel whatever I needed to.
When I got home, I saw this video from Trent Shelton.
In the video, what got me first was when he said he was “thinking he should have prayed for you more.” I wish I would have prayed for him more. We talked all the time about the importance of prayer. When I was a kid, I would just talk to You like You were right there beside me. I would tell You everything. I prayed for everyone around me. (Sometimes, this took a while because I would literally sit there coming up with names of people I knew so I could pray for them too.) I think I lost some of that as I got older, but I’m trying to get it back this year. I think I’m learning how to pray all over again.
After Christopher left, I felt a lot of things. I felt sick (a lot). I felt regret for every single stupid thing I had ever said. I felt sadness for the people who loved him. I felt anger that he wasn’t getting the future he planned. I felt confusion and disbelief that he was really gone. I felt a whole mix of emotions I had never felt before.
This song has been replaying in my head for a couple of weeks now.
I miss him. I miss how he made me and everyone around him feel special. I miss how kind he was. I miss how I felt like he understood me. I miss our car talks. He knew just how to push my buttons. He told me one time that he knew exactly how I thought so he knew exactly what he could say to make me crazy. He knew just how to send me over-analyzing everything. He could say one thing to me and send my brain into overdrive for months. What I miss most was his relationship with You. We both had a strong foundation that we got during our childhood and could reminisce about. We were trying to hold onto that foundation and strengthen that relationship with You.
At the end of the video, Trent says he learned three things from his loved one:
1. “John 3:16” Which is: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
2. “To never live in regret, but in appreciation.”
3. “Don’t pass away with me, but keep what I believed in alive through you.”
So, that is prayer. I pray that he is doing well in Heaven. I pray that I’ll get to see him again when I meet you. I pray for his loved ones. I pray for healing for them and for myself. I pray that I continue to lean on you. I pray that I remember to pray for those around me more. I pray that I learn to live in appreciation. I pray for forgiveness. I pray that I remember what you taught me through him. I pray that I continue to grow with you. I pray that I start showing more kindness and love to those around me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.