I’m standing strong, but I’m still on my knees praying.

I found this article today. I didn’t realize how much it would apply to me. All of them hit home, but there were a few that just completely explain my life.

17 Things Former Bullied Kids Do A Little Bit Differently As Adults by: Kovie Biakolo

3. “Being vulnerable with people will always be a slightly terrifying experience for you. Probably because you realized early on just how awful people can be.”

Sometimes, I literally have nightmares. I’m scared to let them in. What if they judge me or think I deserved it or that it was my fault? Sometimes, I just wanna hide it all away. I’m not comfortable being vulnerable and showing weakness. I have a problem with trusting people with so much. What if I give you that little part of me and you leave me or decide I’m not worth the trouble?

10. “It’s easy for you to get very defensive about personal issues that you struggle with.”

I know what my issues are. I’m working on them. I do not need to be reminded of my issues. I am painfully aware of them.

11. “Humor is almost always your defense mechanism to deal with the issues that have the potential to personally hurt you.”

I should probably apologize to my person for this one. I tend to make things real awkward. Sometimes, I would rather have the power and be the one making fun of myself than everyone else doing it. The truth is, just because I’m laughing and try to make a joke out of it, doesn’t make it funny. It just makes people really uncomfortable.

“13. You can spot adult bullies from a mile away and you either avoid them like the plague or are not afraid to confront them at every turn.”

15. “Having to “take crap” from anyone or anything is like re-living bad memories from your childhood. And you will almost always refuse to do it, no matter the consequences.”

I have a slight problem with authority now. I tend to get real defensive. I tend to think everyone is out to get me. I don’t like constructive criticism of any sort. I will avoid it like the plague.

16. “You find it difficult to admit to anyone including yourself, that there are certain words or actions that will always remind you of the scars you obtained from childhood.”

There are some things that I still can’t get over even though it was a long time ago. There are some scars that just don’t fade as quickly.

17. “Some days you feel like the little child who can still get hurt easily when you remember the past; other days because of that past, you feel like there’s not a single thing in the world that can ever really hurt you again.”

Sometimes, I’m so fragile that it feels like anything could break me. I have to remind myself that nothing in this world could ever break me. Lord, You saved me.

So, that is my prayer today. I pray that on the bad days, I remember how blessed I am. I pray I remember that you love me. That you gave it all for me. That you would have done it for just me. I pray I remember that while scars don’t ever fully leave, they do hurt less. I pray that I remember that I am not broken. I pray I remember that not everyone will hurt me. That it’s ok to show my vulnerability and let people in. That it’s also ok to be strong and careful. I pray that I work on my defense mechanisms. I pray that I lean on you when I need it. I pray that I always come to you when I feel weak or lost. I pray that I remember that I am yours. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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