A couple of days ago, I read this article about the types of love that people are. It listed all these different types of love that were really great, but I felt like I didn’t belong in any of them. Until I saw the end picture.
I am an entirely separate kind of love. Then today I found an article that completely stated what I felt.
“17 Things To Expect When You Date A Girl Who’s Used To Being On Her Own”
Lord, I hope you are preparing my future husband because (bless his heart!) he has his work cut out for him with me.
The article talked about everything I was feeling, everything I was scared of, everything I’ve thought about. I don’t know if I need quite as much time alone as the article states, but everything else was pretty spot on. (With as independent as I am, I kinda hate being alone.)
“She’ll question you, sometimes directly, sometimes implicitly, about your feelings for her. She’ll always want to know if they are real or if she’s making things up in her head.”
I am going to want to take thing slow. I am going to have doubts. I am going to need validation sometimes because like the article said I have never had that attention before. I can promise you I am going to be awkward and weird sometimes. I am going to say funny things that make absolutely no sense because I am going to get tongue tied.
“She’ll have a hard time letting you do things for her. Try not to take this personally. She’s just used to taking care of herself and it’ll be hard for her to live in a world where she’s got someone else looking out for her in that way.”
I am going to be stubborn. I am going to be guarded. I am going to want to protect myself. I am going to be scared. I don’t like being dependent or needing things, that’s a foreign concept to me. I will act reserved and strong sometimes. I will have trouble showing my vulnerable side.
“Expect her not to need you, and not to believe in needing much of anything at all. But she’ll want you. And when she does, it’ll be the most exhilarating feeling you’ve ever experienced.”
A friend told me once that of all our friends I was the only one she could see being alone forever. I couldn’t understand why everyone else was capable of being loved but I wasn’t good enough. (I mean I could give you a list of my flaws, but who can’t? Why were my flaws so insurmountable?) She may not have meant it as harshly as I took it, but our friendship never recovered. It took me years to try to get over that one sentence. Whoever my future husband is will have to be patient with me. Yes, I have baggage and yes, I am going to be a lot of trouble, but I am also worth it and I am worthy of love. (I can give you a list of my strengths that prove it.) Lord, You made me with a purpose. You gave me certain talents and abilities to share. You gave them to me for a reason. You have been molding me and shaping me into exactly the person You want me to be.
“Being alone is her default, it’s her comfort zone. But expect her to fall in love with you faster than she’ll admit and in a way that isn’t loud but still powerful; it’ll be like a little bit of heaven. And it won’t matter if you love her for a while or for a lifetime; her love will change both you and her forever.”
So, that is my prayer. I pray that you keep working on my heart. I pray that you keep working on his, whoever he may be. I pray that you give me the strength to open up and I pray that you give him the strength to keep trying. I pray that when I do fall in love, that we keep our eyes focused on you. I pray that where ever he is today, that today is a good for him. I pray that he is happy, safe, and protected. I pray that he is looking to you. Thank you for making me the way I am. Thank you for making me wait to fall in love until I am ready. Thank you for preparing me. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.