Today, when it started raining at work my first thought was: “Oh great! I’m gonna get soaked when I leave!” But then I remembered a conversation I had with Christopher. We used to talk about our childhood all the time. I told him that my mama used to tell me that storms were when God threw a party because he was so happy someone came to Heaven. When he was a kid he was taught the same thing. We had a lot in common that way. I guess that’s why it was raining the morning Christopher left us. The rain was strangely comforting like I knew God had him and he was happy his son came home. I couldn’t really comprehend much that day other than the disbelief and confusion. In the coming months I got depressed and angry and went through so many emotions that I literally made myself sick for a long time. I still have days where I can’t get out of bed because the weight of the world seems like it is going to crush me and I feel claustrophobic.
Today, when it started raining my first thought was negative. But my second thought was a memory of Christopher and remembrance that every storm has it’s purpose and brings hope of finding a rainbow. Right after I started crying “Healing Begins” by Tenth Avenue North came on my Mercy Me Pandora station. I felt my thoughts start to change right then. I immediately started talking to people nicer and feeling like me again, if only for a minute. I still don’t understand why he was taken from us and I probably won’t ever understand. All I know is that God needed him and had other plans for him. I am a planner, always have been. I was making schedules and plans and organizing things since I could talk. Which is why I am a public relations major, I was born to be in communications. I have been using those abilities and perfecting them since childhood and I didn’t even know it so the fact that I can use those talents to go out in the world and try to make a difference is really exciting. But it also is something that hurts me when things don’t go according to my plan. Christopher’s leaving was definitely not in my plan. God has bigger plans than I do though.
So, that is my prayer for today. I pray that I learn to accept that God has bigger plans than I do. I pray that I let “Healing Begins” be the theme song for my life, at least for a little while. I pray that I speak softer to people and find myself again. I pray that my negative thoughts are changed into positive ones. I pray for the others that were connected to Christopher. And as always I pray for my family and sorority sisters. I pray for my university. I pray for guidance for our government, church, and school leaders. I pray for protection for our troops. I pray for all of those that need you now and for those that haven’t met you yet. In Jesus’ name, Amen.